Watch out, world! Girls are fighting bigotry with MAGA scams and chocolate milk
Nazis everywhere are TREMBLING
by Nian Hu
Midterm elections are fast approaching and the political climate has never been more polarized. A wave of intolerance and bigotry is threatening to take over the country, and well-intentioned people are attempting to fight it in any way they can — voting for liberal candidates, campaigning for the Democratic Party, marching down the streets with handmade signs proclaiming "Women's Rights Are Human Rights," and hosting roundtable debates with Nazis to try to reason them out of their bloodlust.
But some of us know that this simply isn't enough. Some of us know that you can't work within the system to change the system. After all, the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house! (That being said, please go out and vote). No, you must think outside of the box in order to overthrow the status quo.
Behold the innovative spirit of this fellow comrade, who knows all too well that you can't defeat Trump supporters with logical arguments and scientific facts. If you can't beat them, BECOME them! And then take all of their money.
— reformed republican (@chckpeas) October 27, 2018
This absolute fucking genius managed to pull off this devastatingly simple scam by tweeting, “I will not hide any longer,, the left has made us feel as if us black republicans should hide!! but not anymore!! #BlacksForTrump #WalkAway #maga” along with a photo of herself wearing what is unmistakably a bright red MAGA hat.
Republicans everywhere shed tears of happiness. They finally found someone who could replace Kanye West's role as their token (and only) black Trump supporter. Dozens of old white people with profile photos of their grandchildren and Spongebob characters responded to her on Twitter with words of support.
this morning is getting worse and worse pic.twitter.com/ktf4fgYib8
— reformed republican (@chckpeas) November 1, 2018
But wait! After winning the sympathies of Trump supporters all over the country, she actually pretends that she got KICKED OUT of her own house, going so far as to fabricate an entire text conversation with her mother in which her "madre" berates her for her support of Trump. She bravely stands up to her own mother, declaring, "You can't expect me to just blindly follow a political party because I'm black!"
thank you all so much for your overwhelming support. After seeing this tweet my parents cut me off and refuse to pay my university tuition. So if you can find it in your hearts to help this young, black republican pay for school it would be appreciated 🇺🇸 https://t.co/6HGCAj6aTC
— reformed republican (@chckpeas) October 31, 2018
Finally, after successfully pulling on the heartstrings of every Trump supporter in the country, she hits them with a request for money that they simply could not refuse.
"After seeing this tweet my parents cut me off and refuse to pay my university tuition," she tweeted a few days after her original tweet blew up. "So if you can find it in your hearts to help this young, black republican pay for school it would be appreciated."
She attached a GoFundMe link to her tweet. The GoFundMe campaign has since been deleted, but rumors spread that she scammed idiotic Trump supporters out of $150,000 before she eventually came clean about how she REALLY felt about Trump.
Trump is a racist, homophobic, transphobic, bigot AND YOU THINK MY BLACK ASS WOULD SUPPORT THAT ROTTING CARROT?? ridiculous. any black person can put on that ugly ass hat and say #MAGA and yall will instantly be up their ass cuz you wanna prove so hard you’re not racist
— reformed republican (@chckpeas) November 1, 2018
While it remains unclear how much money she actually managed to make from the whole scam, what IS clear is that Trump supporters are absolute fucking idiots who are so desperate to say, "I'm not racist, I have one black friend!" that they'd actually donate their money to a random black girl on Twitter just because she wore a MAGA hat.
Some may call this deception. I call it reparations. Sorry, but that's just facts!
If you're in the mood to deliver a similarly satisfying "fuck you" to the Republicans who are destroying our country but you don't have the time nor finesse to pull off a prank of this caliber, then may I suggest another method? The only things you need for this experiment are a container of chocolate milk and a group of angry white men who have never experienced oppression in their entire lives.
Sickening to see a member of @FSUGOP a group I’m proud to be in have chocolate milk thrown on her for campaigning . In the state constitution it says students are allowed to express their point of view on campus. This is a vile attack. pic.twitter.com/Wd9RQSqCrt
— Hunter Pollack (@PollackHunter) November 1, 2018
See, here's the thing. When you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression. And when you're a straight white dude with rich parents who never once told you to shut the fuck up, a splash of chocolate milk can feel like a violent assault on your civil rights.
Ingenious Florida State University student Shelby Shoup — a fellow comrade, no doubt — took advantage of this by tossing some of this dangerous beverage upon a fellow student who was undoubtedly spewing some anti-Semitic bile.
"Nazis are shooting my people," she can be heard saying to him, to which a male voice off-camera responds, "You're throwing milk at people." Talk about a false equivalency! I mean, seriously. You know chocolate milk can be…washed out, right? Oh, sorry, I forgot that you've never actually done your own laundry. My bad.
college republicans after getting splashed with chocolate milk pic.twitter.com/ZrIXDmHhVQ
— Keifer? I Hardly Know Her (@DannyVegito) November 3, 2018
This hate crime proved to be too much for Chad Kensington IV, who proceeded to press charges against our brave comrade for violating his 28th Amendment right to having perfectly starched clothes on his body at all times. It's in the Constitution, folks, look it up!
It is absolutely sickening to see a society rent apart by political violence. From the mass shooting at a synagogue to the murders of two women in a yoga studio to the chocolate milk stains that absolutely RUINED Brad Vanderbilt Jr.'s Nantucket Reds, it's clear that both sides are capable of unspeakable violence.
The world better watch out. Girls are arming themselves with MAGA hats and chocolate milk — Nazis won't be able to stand a CHANCE.