Douchebros everywhere are weeping over PBR’s imminent death

I am saddened to announce that we are fast approaching the end of an era. A longstanding cultural symbol of America is being violently butchered to death by shrewd businessmen who value financial profit over historical legacy.

There is no denying that this is a dark and embittered time for many of us. However, let us not waste these last precious seconds filling our hearts with regret and sorrow. Instead, let us rejoice in the beautiful memories of Pabst Blue Ribbon, otherwise known as PBR — a watery and vaguely alcoholic beverage that has touched the souls of so many.

The era may not have been particularly long, but it was undoubtedly fruitful. During the golden age of PBR, the iconic cans of tasteless beer were practically ubiquitous. Commonly found crushed on the dirty floors of frat basements, PBR managed to quench the thirst of thousands — nay, millions! — of fledgling young adults.

Fueled by its carbonation and mild yeasty flavor, an entire generation of youths grew up to become upstanding American citizens well-versed in the art of tossing ping pong balls across long wooden tables. And its mildly intoxicating effects — produced only after consuming at least four cans and slamming the empty can repeatedly against one's forehead — drew frat bros together in a tight bond of friendship and brotherhood that persists to this very day.

Tonight, please call your local frat bros to check in on them. During this harrowing time, it is more important than ever that we stand together in solidarity. They may take our beloved PBR away from us, but they can never separate the beer-infused ties that bond us for life!

@nian_hu