How to casually flex on everyone while you’re home for the holidays
Too bad they peaked early
For most of us high school was just one giant conglomerate of insecurities, guys who supplied us with reasons to be insecure, and girls who used these insecurities against us as a means of impressing these guys. So yes, you're allowed to want to flex on them, and you're also allowed to be secretly smug about the fact they peaked when they were 17 and now spend their days posting on Facebook about the various pyramid schemes they've become involved in.
And yet, when you get invited to a party while you're home you get sweaty and nervous because you're still scared of your high school self and the fact she'll seep through the cracks when you're surrounded by these things again. But it doesn't have to be like that. Here's how to flex on everyone while you're home for this holidays this winter:
Do not be afraid to lean into your personal brand
The thing about people who peaked in high school is they usually still think things like True Religion jeans are cool. They don't know low waisted pants fell out of style, and chances are they own at least three to five pairs of slightly different Uggs. Perhaps when you used to live under your parent's roof they held that over your head, approving of every outfit you walked out of the house in, but you are your own person now, which means you can make decisions about how you want people to perceive you. The only thing worse then being talked about for trying something a little too over the top is not trying anything new at all. It's boring to stay the same, and in 2018 everything is about personal branding. Choose your brand wisely, and commit to it.
Do you ever buy a whole new outfit before you go home for the holidays just to flex on the people you went to high school with?
— caroline atwater (@AtwaterCaroline) December 8, 2018
Do not be the best dressed person there
This might sound like it's in contradiction with what I said above, but there is a big difference between leaning into a brand and wearing a dress to a chill holiday party. Not only does it make everyone think you still care massively about their opinion, but it's hard to be the chillest version of yourself when you aren't comfortable in your outfit. Think Glossier, not Mac. It's fine to put thought into your outfit, but you don't want it to look like you put thought into your outfit. You just slipped into something, ran out the door and happened to look a bit cooler than everyone.
Know what you're going to say when someone ask what you're up to
Even if you are completely lost in life, so is everyone else, so you might as well have a good lie ready. It doesn't even have to be a lie per say, but you know how you're a total chump if you put your actual gpa on your resume? You're allowed to kind of blur the lines here too. It's not cheating if everyone else is doing it — like facetuning on Instagram. Besides, you'll figure it all out eventually. You just need a little more time, right?… RIGHT?!
Do not indulge in trashing old friends or acquaintances
One of the most obvious signs someone hasn't moved on from high school life is the only thing they have to talk about is high school drama literal years later. IMHO there is nothing lamer than shitting on someone you don't even know anymore. It makes you sound insecure, and it also makes it sound like you've been thinking about them, instead of spending time with all of your new friends.
If you aren't seeing someone, make it sound purposeful
You know how the older you get the more you have to pretend the reason you don't have a SO is because you're an independent working (or studying) woman who doesn't need love, even though you know it's actually because you can't hold a relationship down for more than two dates? Well, nobody needs to know that. You have a few options here actually. You can make someone up and pretend like you aren't obsessed with proving your love for one another on social media like all your less cool friends, or you can make it sound purposeful. But if you choose to make it sound purposeful you have to be convincing which means not bring it up every two minutes. You know how you can tell when someone is lying because they add way too much detail? Same goes here. Only mention it if someone asks, and then move on. You just don't really care. You want to make them feel like they've copped out by falling for someone.
Don't overstay your welcome — you have places to be
You know how on Thanksgiving all your old friends join together at some shit local bar to drink themselves into a stupor and make complete idiots of themselves? Well the same thing happens around christmas but it's usually in someone's house, and it usually involves a lot of vape pens and jello shots. They key here is to show up late, and leave a little earlier than everyone. You have places to be and things to do — this is just one stop in your busy night. Make an appearance, but don't spend 7 house catching up with these people. I promise they have't changed much.
Aziz Ansari talks about the sexual misconduct allegations against him for the first time
‘I hope I’ve become a better person’
In a gig on Monday night, Aziz Ansari talked for the first time about the allegations of sexual misconduct made against him last year. During a massively oversubscribed gig at Village Underground in New York, Ansari said he hopes he has "become a better person." Vulture first reported the comments. The site said Ansari led…
Instagram now tells people when you screenshot, so just throw away your whole damn phone
Who thought this was a good idea!?
by Caroline Phinney
Lately, Instagram has sucked for a lot of reasons: posts are no longer in chronological order, influencers are reportedly being screwed out of money, and now, on top of everything else, Instagram alerts someone when you take a screenshot. Is nothing sacred?! Long gone are the days of snapping pics of your ‘friends’ and then…
People are slamming Bumble for an ‘abusive’ ad campaign involving painting endangered elephants
“No one should even consider climbing on an elephant’s back”
by Nian Hu
Bumble recently launched in India and celebrated with a launch party at City Palace in Jaipur. Instagram posts and stories reveal that the CEO Whiteny Wolfe Herd and various celebrities were in attendance. Several photos of the event show elephants being ridden with the Bumble logo painted on their faces. According to PETA Executive Vice…