Everyone in Riverdale needs to stop being sooooo dramatic

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Everyone in Riverdale needs to stop being sooooo dramatic

No, Hiram, this isn’t the goddamn apocalypse

by Nian Hu

Riverdale has always been a VERY dramatic show, with some of the most ridiculous and over-the-top moments in all of television history. Like, remember the time Veronica and Toni literally wore bustiers to break Cheryl out of gay conversion therapy? Or the time Cheryl covered herself in pig's blood and set her own damn house — and MOTHER — on fire? How is ANY of this even remotely acceptable?? And yet we just sit back and let it happen because, come on. It's Riverdale. This is just the kind of shit that we have to deal with.

But Season 3 Episode 8 officially took things one step too far. It seems that the entire town of Riverdale ingested a gallon of Fizzle Rocks and proceeded to go batshit insane. Like, I'm really sorry that your once-wholesome town is becoming a haven for drugs and prostitutes, but I mean…it wouldn't exactly be the first time that's happened to a small town in the middle of nowhere in upstate New York? Shit happens, man. The only logical response to this is to move to a nearby town that hasn't been utterly ravaged by hallucinogen-laced candy. Some might call this running away. I call it not being an idiot. To each their own, I guess!

Cheryl and Veronica decide to team up and, good GOD, they are insufferable together

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On their own, they're already annoying as fuck. Cheryl goes overboard when she's nursing Toni back to health post-seizure, and says some truly stupid shit like "My four poster bed is your four poster bed" and "I'm koo-koo bananas for you." God, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Then Veronica throws a hissy fit when her parents offer to send her to New York City — which is objectively SO much nicer than Riverdale, plus it doesn't have murderous Satanic cults — and bitches to Archie 2.0 (sorry, I mean Reggie) about how her parents tried to "banish" her to New York. Oh, poor you! What a TERRIBLE punishment that must be!

So what happens when you put the two most annoying characters in Riverdale together? You get an absolute fucking shitshow, that's what. Can we talk about how they literally TIE UP and TORTURE Cheryl's mom?? I know Penelope Blossom is a huge bitch (as well as a raging homophobe), but she literally gets waterboarded by maple syrup by a pair of teenagers. As she's wearing a leather BDSM-esque outfit. Uhhh, super weird. Am I watching a CW TV show or fetish pornography…? Look, I'm just saying, someone's DEFINITELY jerking off to this scene of a leather-clad Penelope Blossom tied up to a chair and repeatedly doused with a sticky fluid.

Then this insufferable duo storms into Pop's to ask the RROTC guys for help. By…yelling at them. Weird tactic, but okay. "You brutes are helping us out," Veronica commands them. Um V, I'm not sure if insulting people is the best way to ask them for help..? I know it worked for Archie, but I'm not sure if others are willing to put up with it! Then Cheryl literally jumps up onto the table, stomps down her high-heeled foot, and issues this bizarre proclamation: "On your feet, soldier boys, we're going to WAR." No, Cheryl, you are not going to war. You are going to visit Hermione Lodge's office and declare that she's been "relieved of her mayoral duties" before realizing that ordinary civilians can't, in fact, do that. Not QUITE the same thing as war.

Archie is determined to spend the rest of his life foraging for nuts and berries in the woods

Okay, I will preface this by saying that this scene with Archie and his dad is actually INCREDIBLY sad. Like, just as sad as the scene where Archie breaks up with Veronica over the phone, if not sadder. Actually yeah, it's WAY sadder — because while Veronica can just replace him with Reggie and barely notice the difference, Archie's dad can't exactly pick up a new son at the corner store, you know?

Poor, poor Fred. He's willing to leave everything behind just to follow Archie into the woods, build a log cabin, and hunt and fish with his son for the rest of his life. Archie humors him for a bit before hitting him with the inevitable: "You know we can't do that. Right, Dad?" The way Fred's face freezes for just a moment shows that no, he doesn't know that. He was 100% serious. He would've done ANYTHING to protect his son! But instead, the only thing he can do is hug his son good bye and leave him with Vegas, the golden retriever. Seriously, the moment the dog came out, I lost it. Fred sadly watches as his son disappears into the woods, with nothing but a backpack and a dog by his side. Absolutely HEARTBREAKING!!

That being said — this is some stupid shit. First of all, there is literally no reason at all for Archie to dye his hair black. Yeah, he does look WAY better this way. I stan goth Archie! But it's still dramatic and unnecessary, just like everything else in this goddamn episode. Even more dramatic and unnecessary is the fact that he's running away into the woods. I get that you're scared of Hiram Lodge, but…there's New York City. There's Canada. I don't fucking know, there's even Australia. Archie is acting like Riverdale is the only beacon of civilization in this whole wide world, and that's just EMPIRICALLY false. Someone needs to show this boy a map of the world!

Betty and Ethel join forces and pull off the most ridiculous interrogation/escape of all time

I'm kind of sad that Betty and Ethel join forces in this episode, because I was REALLY down for the whole catfight thing they had going on. What can I say? Ethel brought out the BEST in Betty. Just look at that scene at the very beginning when they're still feuding with each other. Betty's bragging to the other girls about the "very special relationship" she has with the Gargoyle King. "He's honestly SUPER funny," she tells the girls knowingly as they giggle approvingly. Ethel, of course, gets triggered AF and storms up to Betty. "You're not worthy enough for him!!" she says on the verge of tears. This pick-me ass bitch, I swear. When will you learn, Ethel? Internalized misogyny isn't a good look on you! Or anyone, for that matter.

After Betty and Ethel team up, they decide to break the other girls out of the Sisters of Quiet Mercy. Except wait, they're all brainwashed and they're terrified that the Gargoyle King will come after them. Damn. Don't do drugs, kids, it does some CRAZY shit to you! So they devise the most insane plot of all time. Betty dresses up as the Gryphon Queen and orders everyone to leave. The Gryphon Queen!! Where did she even get this ridiculous outfit from?? Are those…mops hanging from her head? I'm super confused, but apparently this works. All hail the mop-headed Gryphon Queen!

Hiram might not be the Gargoyle King, but he's every bit as overdramatic

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The fact that Jughead keeps going on and on about how Hiram must be the Gargoyle King means that Hiram is 100% NOT the Gargoyle King. Sorry Jug, but your theories are almost always wrong! Especially when they're presented this early in the season. And that's confirmed by a scene at the very end where Hiram is seen hanging out with the Gargoyle King in his study. Looks like Hiram isn't traipsing around the woods with a bunch of sticks glued onto his back after all! Wow, who would've guessed? What a stupid theory, honestly.

But that doesn't matter because Hiram is every bit as annoying and overdramatic as the Gargoyle King. "What's coming next is practically biblical in nature," he declares to his utterly baffled daughter. Umm, seriously? Unless you're planning on unleashing a plague of locusts all over the world and destroying everything with a massive flood, then whatever you're planning doesn't count as "biblical." Hiram's just being an attention-starved drama queen as usual. I'm convinced that this entire evil plan of his is literally just a massive ruse to get people to pay attention to him. And honestly, haven't we ALL done some shady shit to get attention?? Turns out Hiram might be the most relatable character in this entire damn show!

@nian_hu

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