If you've ever been on Facebook and had to resist the urge to stare for too long at your attractive cousin's photo (only chill if they married in), you'll understand how difficult it's been for me to spend the holidays year after year harboring a secret I can no longer bear to harbor: Santa is the original daddy, and honestly, he's hot as fuck.
First of all, 'Santa Baby' is a panty dropper, so perhaps I'm not exactly as original as I thought I was in remarking upon this, but when I texted my group chat to see what they thought, I was met with a chorus of "What the fuck?" "You are literally so warped," and "We asked you to stop using us for content." But I swear this isn't just the eggnog talking. Come, let's walk through this together:
Dating Santa would be like dating a fire fighter
My type is usually permanently tired, sickly thin and borderline abusive, but I'd be lying if I didn't say there is something so tempting about the idea of dating someone who could actually help if God forbid anything wen't wrong. I'm pretty sure if my house were ever on fire, almost every one of the guys I've ever dated would panic, steal my Macbook and flee the scene while I was still fast asleep. But Santa would swoop me up in his burly arms, fly me straight up the chimney, and launch off the roof before the flames of Satan could reach me. These mans better be careful:
"He's kind of sexy. I'm kind of in love with Santa." My crazy wife
— Jeff White (@notjeffwhite) December 11, 2015
Why isn’t “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” vilified as a vile song..?
We can call for a ban on “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” but it’s totally cool to support a song about a mother cheating with Santa Claus. Disgusting.
— RynoWithTheDadBod (@DadBodRyno) December 8, 2018
He would take care of you and provide a nice home
Even if you don't necessarily think Santa is hot, we've all convinced ourselves someone was within the realm of 'attractive enough to fuck' because they were both married and gainfully employed. He is an entrepreneur, for Christ's sake, God doesn't give with both hands.
Why else would all of these guys want to look like him?
Each year thousands of ex-frat bros from around the country come together in a day of desperation to drink Natty Light at 11 am, fight in the streets and then hate fuck in the back of Irish pubs, all while trying to convince themselves they're happy. BUT, they do it all dressed at Santa, because even they know it's the only way their girlfriends will forgive them after their screaming match in Times Square.
— laney (@misslaneym) December 8, 2018
He loves snacks as much as you do
Have you ever dates a fitness freak? Even if you haven't it doesn't take much brainpower to imagine how frustrating it is. You're constantly having to put on gym clothes so you can Snap him so he thinks you're working out, just take take it all off and fold it again. When the waiter asks if you want fries or a side salad, you have to push through blurry vision to squeak out the word 'salad.' But Santa loves snacks. He would go right ahead and order for you, and he would NEVER substitute potato with sweet potato.
Dad bods are all the rage
Santa is approximately 6'4", has a beard and a dad bod, so acting like we don't all want to sit on him is honestly ridiculous at this point.
Ladies if he
-has 3 ho’s
-maintains his dad bod with cookies&milk
-rocks a crispy white beard
-has rosy cheeks
-checks up on you twice
-tells you if you’re naughty/nice
-owns 9 reindeer
he’s not your man, he’s Santa Clause.
— hohoho🎄 (@KB__knows) November 29, 2018
Plus, I bet he's sporting at least some kind of ink under that jolly red suit of his, so it's official: this season dad bod is out and Santa bod is in.
He'll let you sit on his lap and ask for anything
And not only will he let you do this, but he'll go out of his way to ask you to do so. Sure, he might also ask the other 72 girls waiting in line, but like Ariana Grande once said, "I know I'm not your only, but at least I'm one." Besides, guys are approximately 900 percent hotter when they're eyeing someone else. And if you're ever looking to venture into threesome territory, he already has a list of like a billion people he can call.
He literally owns his own 'naughty list'
And he checks it TWICE! Not once, but TWICE.
Dear Santa, we've been very naughty girls, but perhaps, just perhaps, you'll forgive our ways if we tell you all about how much we love your dad bod 😩.
Naughty is the new nice😋
— ✨Harley (Cora) Quinn✨ (@PropertyOf_J) December 17, 2018
So, with all of this in mind, is anyone else staying up late to try and see Santa this year?