Does this holiday rom com character FUCK? A scientific investigation

OK so look. There are two kinds of people in this world, to paraphrase Matilda’s mom: those who fuck, and those who do not fuck. It’s a simple enough concept and it has little to do with ability to have intercourse or the privilege of owning a penis. Like, you may not be a virgin, but can you fuck? Get it?

The ability to fuck (verb) is akin to the concept of BDE. It’s more than just an activity, it’s a feeling, it’s an aura, it’s a swagger. And as it’s Christmas, it’s a concept that we are repurposing for festive reasons. Because there’s nothing more festive than a rom com, and not everyone in a rom com fucks. Anyway we’ve listed all the ones that do – not including that one guy from Love Actually in the main image. Obviously he does not fuck. In the interest of avoiding heteronomativity, we have included all fuckable genders! Happy Holidays.

Jamie – Love Actually
Does he fuck: No

Jamie from LA is the definition of a cuck. Disregarding the whole problematic Aurelia storyline — my friend, you cannot fall in love with your maid without ever speaking to her, it’s fetishisation and also stop calling her sister fat, you freak — Jamie’s blatant REFUSAL to engage with his brother’s betrayal is cuckoldry of the highest order. This man walks in on his brother fucking his wife, and then he still goes home with presents for his kids at Christmas! And then has to deal with them saying how much they hate him. Jamie have some fucking self-respect.

Harry – Love Actually
Does he fuck: Yes

A theory: Harry, in his youth, was a man who fucked. But time comes for us all, and so it has ravaged him and made him middle aged. So to reclaim his mojo, to find his fuck-ness, he has gone on a quest to get with his secretary, the most cliche middle aged crises to exist. In this endeavour he has, ironically, cost himself fuck points. Luckily he still has enough to pull through but he falls down in the fuck table here. Was it worth it pal?

Miles – The Holiday
Does he fuck: No
Miles from The Holiday is an incel. He moans about women not finding him sexually attractive and he’s way too into film. Incel 101.

Sarah – Love Actually
Does she fuck: Yes

Laura Linney has the pent up, chaotic energy that translates into major fuck points. Like, she had a big Lana Del Rey phase, you know? There’s a nihilistic element to her fucking but it’s fucking nonetheless.

Karl – Love Actually
Does he fuck: No

Karl is one of those real all filler no killer guys. Like, if you dated you would rake in the likes on the couple pics you post to Insta because he’s so beautiful. But those likes won’t keep you warm at night when he’s blindly fingering the wrong hole and falling asleep on top of you. Really beautiful guys who have always been really beautiful never learn how to fuck. Don’t @ me.

Chris – Just Friends
Does he fuck: Yes

The inverse to Karl from Love Actually to a degree. In the past, Chris definitely didn’t fuck, and while waiting for his glow up he probs learned some tricks. Post glow up he definitely gives off an ‘asshole-who-fucks’ energy. Loses points for how poorly he treats his mom, but the base ability is not to be discounted.

Evil secretary – Love Actually
Does she fuck: No

There are some evil characters that you’re like “yeah truly horrible but I bet they fuck”. Lucius Malfoy, for instance. Or like, Stalin. Other characters are so truly evil that their evilness consumed every other part of their being, rendering them sexless and formless. They are just a mist of bad feeling. This is the secretary from Love Actually. No I’m not writing her character’s name I hate her.

Harry – When Harry Met Sally
Does he fuck: Yes

Harry has to have some serious hidden fucking ability because he treats Sally like shit and still she comes back to him. The New Year’s speech was good, yes, but there has to be some other mitigating factor to allow her to put up with this bad behaviour. I believe it is the power of the fuck.

HUGH GRANT BONUS ROUND

Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones’s Diary
Does he fuck: No
Not to be all retrospectively-picks-apart-culture-from-2018’s-woke-ivory-tower, but anyone who preys on their employees as a boss does not fuck. They’re limp dick weirdos who are forced to turn to inter-office harassment to exert the kind of sexual power they’re categorically denied on a level playing field in the real world.

Hugh Grant in Love Actually
Does he fuck: Yes
Anyway disregard my earlier point about office power imbalances and their sexual ramifications because yeaaaaaaahhhh boi the PM fucks.

The Prince – A Christmas Prince
Does he fuck: No

Nobody who makes ‘artwork’ like this has ever touched a human vagina.

@rosielanners