Give Up Now: Experts indicate 2019 will be the worst year yet for the worst reason yet
God hath forsaken us
by Amanda Ross
I wish I had good news for you. I wish I could look you in the eye through the webcam malware I definitely didn't install on your computer when you clicked on this and tell you everything's going to be just fine.
But that would be a lie.
No, I'm so sorry but 2019 is going to be a hellish inferno the likes of which humanity has never seen. Lots of grotesquely grievous things are posed to befall us: more state-sponsored killings, a stripping of all civil liberties for everyone who can't correctly explain the rules of football (goodbye, girls and gays!), and a probable Grammy win for Post Malone. But none of these horrors so terrible as this one, set to descend upon us in the night and blanket us in misery like so much an angel of death: the return of low-rise jeans.
I felt a twist of pain shoot up my arm as I wrote that, and it's definitely not impending cardiac arrest (although I do eat a lot of meat. Side note: people should give meats with the same fervor they distribute sweets at Christmastime…maybe this belief is why I'm so afraid of low-rise jeans.) But seriously! A fashion forecasting expert told the Cut we're looking at a full-scale takeover. Our beloved semi-high-waisted skinnies that are basically one long Spanx tube are out, and 5 inches of ass crack are in! And I think I've identified the problem. Have a look at this quote:
“The idea that someone is comfortable in a pair of high-waisted jeans, rather than jeans that kind of sit at the hip, is always too uptight for me,” Kirk Millar, designer and sadist, told the Cut over email. “Most people aren’t comfortable with a band of non stretch material across their waist.”
First of all…boo all men, even the designers. For years, I've made myself feel better about the little flesh pouch that is the very bottom of my stomach by remembering (and this is true) that most women are built to hold fat right there. It's like a whole womb thing which is gross but any logic that enables me to eat more is amazing.
But that's the problem: a man is designing these jeans. A man who, upon Googling, has a flat stomach. A man who doesn't know that you need a few inches of jeans to button over your lower gut to suck it all in and make your stomach look instantly flat! We finally found a lifehack around dieting and now they've gone and stripped us of it.
You know how veterans never talk about the atrocities they experienced (or, y'know, did at war?) until it all spills out when they're like 87 and look like crabs who've lost their shells? That'll be me about 2019. Maybe, if I make it through the year, I'll be ready to come to terms with it by 2087. God be with us all.