No, 2019 will be the year we all finally get hot

I'm a 25-year-old woman of sound mind and it's never stopped me from wishing on 11:11 twice a day without fail. I have a practically supernatural ability to look at the clock at the exact right moment (though it's probably because I check my phone so often it's like a nervous tic) and my wishes are always…unrealistic. A lot of the time it's the standard don't be pregnant, don't be pregnant wish, but the wish above all others is to wake up one day and magically be super hot! Yes, like the Amy Schumer movie except I want an actual transformation and I have approximately 6.7 times the lips she has. But I think 2019 might actually be my time. No, our time. I know we say this every year but 2019 is when we're actually gonna get our shit together and glow tf up.

Think about it: yes, the world is on fire. But that's all the more reason to control the controlables and actually go to the gym, you know? If I absolutely must be imprisoned in this flesh casket, I'm at least gonna make it the hottest one I can. And the same principle can be applied to things like skincare and hair treatments: might as well! That's the philosophy of 2019. Why the hell not? If I'm gonna lay on my ass and watch old seasons of Vanderpump Rules while hitting decline on calls from Visa, why not slather my hair in a deep conditioning treatment while I do it? If you can't get a date, why not make sure every rejection is for your poisonous personality and not your corporal form? If you're gonna write some letters to your congressperson and get involved in the community, why not do it with shiny acrylics and a croptop?

I think Niecy Nash sums it up better than I ever could: