Is the GOP’s entire strategy just to make their enemies look cool and sexy? Can I be next?


babe  • 

Is the GOP’s entire strategy just to make their enemies look cool and sexy? Can I be next?

First Beto, now AOC!

By now, you might've seen the viral video of a college-aged Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dancing. That's the whole thing: just a silly dance that wouldn't look out of place on Sesame Street. The New York Congresswoman looked happy and carefree and like the kind of person I'd want to sit next to at the Student Council meeting and maybe grab some lunch with afterwards. Apparently, Republicans thought the video surfacing was…actually, I don't know what they thought it was. Some kind of slam-dunk? A checkmate? A haha your Representative wore a jean skirt years ago?

It's unclear what the exact motive was but it is clear that almost every attempt to discredit a young mover/shaker/up-and-comer on the left only succeeds in making them look cooler and better and approximately one thousand years younger than their detractors. And I wanna be next!

They did it to Obama, too. Remember when it was a legitimate scandal that he was an ex-smoker, and pictures of him from college started to appear on cable news shows as like, a demonstration of ineptitude? Yeah, I posted one of those pictures on my Tumblr and it got 61,000 notes. He looked like that one guy in your lecture who never had a book out but always had the right answer because he just knew! He looked like he only carried his backpack with one strap and would hold the door open for the ladies! Who else remember that viral I've Got a Crush on Obama video?

And then we've got Beto O'Rourke, who they nailed…with videos of him playing bass in a fucking punk band. Like, Texas Republicans really thought they did something there. I just want to know if any Republicans, either in individual states or nationally, has anyone under-40 working for them who doesn't look like Randall from Recess.

So because these attacks only serve to make the targets look cooler and hotter than ever, I'd like to offer up the following scandalous information about me in case any gnarled old congressman would like to use it:

1) I once got whiplash at an Outkast concert because I was crossfaded and danced too hard

2) When I was in high school, I threw a 4Loko through a car window and screamed "I RUN S.A.!"

3) This is not my natural hair color