Did you manage to avoid everyone you hate from your hometown? Are you sure?
‘Tis the season for awkward small talk!
Ahh the holidays! A blissful time to reconnect with family, friends, and all the assorted weirdos from your hometown who you thought you’d never see again after graduation. See, going home for the holidays always SEEMS like a good idea…until you actually do it and realize you’ve made a terrible mistake.
Literally every single trip to the grocery store is fraught with disaster, from run-ins with ex-boyfriends to awkward conversations with your middle school flute teacher. The horrors simply never end! Here are the 9 types of people you’ll run into when you’re home for the holidays — and fair warning, you won’t be happy to see ANY of them. Illustrations brought to you by Bobby Palmer for babe dot net.
1. The one who got away
It’s been like a million years since you last saw him, but you still think about him ALL. THE. TIME. He was literally perfect in every single way. I mean, he liked you back when you had a mouth full of braces and a face full of zits. If that’s not true love, then what is?? You seriously thought you’d end up married to this dude. Unfortunately, the universe had different plans in mind. Which is fine! You’re totally over him! No feelings whatsoever! At least, until you accidentally run into him at the local bar — holding hands with his new girlfriend. Wow, some things really don’t get better over time, do they?
2. The ex your parents still love
Ahh, you remember this guy. Vividly. Why? Because your parents STILL bring him up, even though you broke up with him years ago! “Oh, whatever happened to Jake?” they bemoan. Umm, I don’t know? And I don’t particularly care? To be fair, you can see why they’re in love with him. The dude got excellent grades, never partied, and went to church dutifully every week — every parent’s wet dream, in other words. Your parents even called him a “good boy,” which is perhaps the most nauseating thing in the world and 75% of the reason why you broke up with him eventually. You’re pretty sure your parents still text him regularly. Probably more often than they text you. How depressing.
3. The teacher who flunked you
Sure, you didn’t study as much as you probably should’ve. Sure, you had no idea what was going on in class half the time. But does that REALLY merit a failing grade?? She couldn’t have, like, bumped you up half a letter grade and given you a measly pass? You’re still really salty about this, actually. Like, really really salty. Even though it didn’t really end up affecting your life at all. When you awkwardly run into her at the grocery store and she asks you how you’ve been doing, you jump on the chance to brag to her about all the cool things you’re doing — some real, some imagined. See? My life is going GREAT, no thanks to you!!
4. The former BFF
You used to be BEST friends with this girl. Like, inseparable! Friendship bracelets, slumber parties, summer camp — the whole nine yards. But then at some point, she became…super fucking weird. Or maybe she was always weird, but you didn’t notice at first. After all, everyone went through a horse girl phase when they were younger. But you’re kind of supposed to grow out of it at some point, and she just…never did? And at fifteen years old, you didn’t really want to play around with plastic ponies anymore. So now things are super weird between you two. When you pass by her, you pretend not to see her. So long, childhood bestie!
5. The high school mean girl
She was a scary ass bitch then, and she still is today. High school may have been a long time ago, but the memories of her reign of terror have been forever etched into your brain. What is it about high school mean girls and their uncanny ability to inspire fear with a simple eye roll? Like, you thought you were over this shit. You’re older and wiser, you ooze self-confidence, and you have a killer wardrobe and clear skin and straight teeth. And yet, here you are. Shaking with fear in the Starbucks bathroom, afraid to leave, because you saw her standing in line with her posse of equally mean friends. Pathetic! With one dirty look, she manages to make you feel like a pimply teenager again. Hello insecurities, my old friend!
6. Your friend’s hot older brother
God, you always had SUCH a huge crush on him when you were younger. He was tall, he drove a car, he drank alcohol — in other words, he was literally the coolest guy in the world. You’d use any excuse to go over to your friend’s house just for the chance to catch a glimpse of him — not that he ever paid any attention to you, since you were just an awkward 12-year-old who would blush uncontrollably every time he walked by. But things have changed! You’re not a kid anymore. You’re a confident and sexy young woman. Or at least, that’s what you thought. The moment you see him again, you find yourself turning red and stammering and spilling your beer all over the place. Great, glad I haven’t changed at all over the past decade!
7. The first guy you ever kissed
Okay so looking back at him now, he’s objectively gross. And kind of weird, honestly. But at the time, it was the best thing EVER. You snuck into the library and waited for him, your heart pounding in your chest. Five minutes later, he showed up, looking awkward and shy. As your friends peeked through the bookshelves and giggled loudly, he kissed you. It was…extremely wet. And he pretty much chewed off your bottom lip. Ouch! And how the fuck did his saliva get on your nose?? Ugh, ew. But it doesn’t matter. The first kiss is always super exciting — even if the dude himself is totally forgettable.
8. The girl who joined a pyramid scheme
You always knew she was a bit of an oddball, but you never thought that she’d actually, you know, join a goddamn cult! That was a twist NOBODY saw coming. At first, it started with a harmless encounter on the street that ended with, “Hey, if you ever want some vitamins, hit me up!” Sounds innocent enough, right? But then it quickly devolved into endless texts, Facebook messages, and Instagram DMs that almost always opened up with a friendly “Hey girl!!!!” and then quickly devolve into “Try these weight loss supplements!” No, bitch, I don’t need to lose weight! I mean, maybe I do. But it’s rude as hell for you to TELL me that. You block her on everything and you pretend to speak a different language the next time you run into her on the street.
9. The girl who has her shit together
You think you’re doing pretty well for yourself. You moved out of your small town, you landed an awesome job, and you even went on a couple successful-ish Tinder dates. But then you run into this girl and you immediately feel inadequate. Somehow, in the time that it took for you to graduate with a bachelor’s degree and get in your first semi-serious relationship, she completed medical school, law school, got married, and bought a house. I’m sorry, but what the fuck?? How is that even possible? Ugh, whatever. You pretend to be okay but then you cry about it to your mom later. Some things in life just aren’t fair!