Snake it off
Taylor Swift re-released her entire music collection on Spotify today and it has a lot of us wondering — shit, last time she was relevant, did I like Taylor Swift or did I hate her?
It’s been a while since her infamous “I didn’t ask to be a part of this narrative” note – but we are sure she is cooking up some plan for the release of her new album while she chews on ice and scratches her cat. In case you need evidence that T. Swift is a conniving ice princess, here is literally every single instance of her being a complete snake.
When she bashed Joe Jonas on SNL
Taylor has been a snake from a young age. When she was just 18, she publicly embarrassed Joe Jonas after he allegedly broke up with her over the phone. On her appearance on SNL, she said:
“You might think I’d mention Joe, that guy who broke up with me on the phone. But I’m not going to talk about him in my monologue. Hey Joe, I’m doing really well, tonight I’m hosting SNL.”
Most celebrities make it a point to not speak about their personal relationships with others, but Taylor Swift has never really been one for social rules.
When she wrote “Better than Revenge” about Camilla Belle
On her album Speak Now, Taylor belts a song about a girl who’s “not a saint” and is “better known for the things that she does on the mattress.” It’s widely rumored to be bashing Camilla Belle, an actress who dated Joe Jonas right after he and Taylor’s relationship.
Taylor fed these rumors by confirming the song was “about a girl who stole my boyfriend. I think she probably thought I forgot about it… I didn’t.” That’s some psychopathic, “elephants don’t forget” kind of shit.
When she wrote “Dear John” about John Mayer
The lyrics to “Dear John” are honestly bitchy as hell. Taylor croons that she was “too young to be messed with” and that her “blind optimism” was to blame for how awful John treated her. She claims she “lived in his chess game” but he “changed the rules everyday.”
The snakey part of this song is how blatantly obvious it was to everyone that she was writing about John Mayer. They had just ended a very public relationship she knew she could capitalize the hell out of. More proof capitalism is the one true evil in this world.
When she suggested “I Knew You Were Trouble” was about Harry Styles even though that’s impossible
After her breakup with Harry, Taylor tweeted “til you let me down,” suggesting “I Knew You Were Trouble” was about him. She added to this rumor by telling interviewers at the VMA’s the pop star being there would help her performance because “it’s not hard to access that emotion when the person the song is directed at is standing by the side of the stage watching.”
But the timeline of their relationship makes it impossible for the song to be about Harry. She says the idea for the hit single came to her before the writing sessions for Red. This would’ve happened before she even met Harry.
Obviously, she was just trying to milk the relationship for album sales like the heartless cyborg she is.
When she used a Harry Styles look alike in the music video
To tear Harry down even more in the public eye, Taylor used a model in her “I Knew You Were Trouble” video that appears to have the same tattoo as Harry Styles. Sounds weirdly specific, but ok.
When she spoke in a British accent during “We Are Never Getting Back Together” to call out Harry Styles
A month after her and Harry Styles’ public breakup, Taylor performed at the Grammy’s and said the interlude of “We Are Never Getting Back Together” with a British accent to mimic the star in front of the entire world because basically everyone on Earth watches the Grammy’s despite how PROBLEMATIC it is. Not as problematic as Taylor though, to be honest.
When she wrote “Bad Blood” about Katy Perry
Everyone knows “Bad Blood,” the fiery song about a bitch who ruined a friendship.
Writing the song is pretty snake-y alone, but then Taylor Swift let the entire world know that the song was about Katy Perry in an interview with Rolling Stone where she blames another female star – who was on tour the same time she was – for ruining her shows by hiring dancers out from under her. Honestly, the detail she used to expose Katy is far from innocent.
When she tried to make Nicki Minaj’s tweet about herself for media attention
After nominations were announced for the 2015 Grammy’s, Nicki Minaj tweeted about the lack of representation in the award show.
Taylor, seeing a chance to mine attention, tried to make Nicki look like a dumbass for the tweet.
Nicki shut her down because she doesn’t take shit. But Taylor was definitely trying to snake some good press for herself or she wouldn’t have ripped Nicki down so fast.
When she claimed credit for “This Is What You Came For”
After Taylor’s pretty public breakup with Calvin Harris, her publicist confirmed that “Taylor Swift wrote ‘This Is What You Came For’ under the pseudonym Nils Sjoberg.”
Calvin (and those of us who can see that she is an evil hag) saw right through her “innocent” comment about the song, suggesting that she get a life instead of trying to ruin his career. Bye!
When she tried to lie about Kanye West’s “Famous”
Hahaha remember that one time Taylor tried to tell the world she didn’t know Kanye was going to reference her in “Famous”? Obviously a ploy for attention, as are her endless references to that one time Kanye told her Beyonce was a better musician – which is just objectively true.
Obviously, Kim Kardashian put her in her place for trying to play the victim, launching the infamous #TaylorSwiftIsOver party.
When she sued her fans
Taylor has a messy history of suing fans – with the most publicized case being against a little Etsy shop that literally sold $12 cross-stitches of her lyrics. Taylor suing the shit out of them is like shooting a little cute kitty – they sold needlework for fuck’s sake.
When she re-released her music on Spotify on the same day “Witness” came out
In her most recent instance of snakery, Taylor re-released all of her music on Spotify the same day Katy Perry’s new album dropped. Just a healthy coincidence, I’m sure.