Just working with what God gave me
Instagram is all about you, but for everyone else, that means it's all about them.
It's a place for gassing up your friends up, as a means of getting gassed back. You should be commenting fire emojis, and spewing out compliments even if you're jealous of the look, not negging them.
There are rules. Keep your hands, arms, and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and let's take a ride, shall we?
Tuning my face to the gods
If Melania Trump is allowed to Facetune herself, I'm allowed to Facetune myself.
I'm sorry that you're stuck looking at my imperfections in real life, but the only version I ever see of myself is the Instagram one, and she deserves good cheekbones and flawless skin. A boyfriend too, if you can find her one.
Photoshopping the shit out of myself
I do not have a perfect body, but if I can have a perfect body on Instagram, just give me that one thing. I'm not asking for a lot. All I'm asking is that you don't zoom in and check for blurred or curved lines.
Believe me, they're there.
Over-filtering
I will delete my banking app before I delete VSCO cam, and you can count on that. If I want to hit that C1 and slide it on up to full, don't you dare shame me for it.
The space was all wrong, there was no natural lighting, and I had to work with what God gave me.
Feeling myself for once in my damn life
Don't comment something that makes me feel weird for feeling myself for literally one minute. It doesn't happen often, but this morning, for some reason, the lighting was right, my skin was good, and you are not allowed to ruin that for me.
I already ruin it for myself.
Turning to look thinner / Turning for better angles
I know my ass isn't that nice, I know my back doesn't actually curve like that.
Believe me, it was painful to hold this. I'm not claiming to look like this all the time, but if I look like this when I contort myself, who are you to tell me not to show it off.
Settin' the titties free
I know you can see my nipple rings — that's why I paid money for them in the first place.
Don't post ? or "details," because you're soiling the purposefulness of it all.
Posting a #latergram even though you damn well know I took it today
I'm trying to play it cool, like "I took this amazing photo three days ago and had the self-restrain to keep from posting it." Can you even believe!?
And don't you dare comment "Photo cred." I do not want anyone knowing I asked you to take this. Let my ex think it was another guy, let people think I have other friends.
Doing an entire face of makeup with a makeup tool
I spend a lot of money on Glossier, but look, the MakeupPlus app is just as good and doesn't cost me an arm and a leg.
Actually, I'm pretty sure it's free.
Stealing other peoples 'funnier' captions
I know I'm not that funny. I've been on Pinterest for 13 hours trying to come up with the right caption and I just want to sleep. I'm so tired. Let me quote without the quotes.
As long as it's not Twitter, because that's fucked up.
Laying down thirst traps
I know it's a thirst trap — that's the entire reason I posted it in the first place. I want to do this to myself. I want to see that my crush has watched my story and still neglected to hit the heart on this incredible look.
Using a self timer because I'm an artist
Let someone think this cute photo of me laughing in my bed was taken by the photographer I slept with last night, not me.
The one good thing about an empty bed is that there's plenty of room for posing.
Tagging a location even though I'm not posting it from there
I am aware of the fact the photo was taken a year and a half ago. You don't need to remind me that I still live in New Jersey, damn.
And if you call me out for it, I will tell everyone you still live with your parents.
Instagram isn't a free-for-all, and if you don't want me to block your comments like Kim K, you're going to have to think before you post.
I have a standard to uphold and a personal brand to curate.