How to get a girl’s number without being creepy (a guide by girls)
It’s easy once you know how
by Amber Milne
Recently, I’ve heard complaints from guys saying that they find it difficult to pick up girls nowadays because of the increase in girls identifying as feminist. I think many guys think that feminism is synonymous with misandry and it’s feminism that’s stopping them from getting laid. Newsflash: it’s not. In fact, it’s that kind of bullshit statement that’s getting you rejected.
On the other hand, I do feel for the poor guys. They’ve never had to learn how to approach women without being at least a little bit offensive and now, in a bar or club, even a simple “hello” can be met with a “fuck off”. Not to mention, obnoxiously grabbing a girl by the waist and trying to grind on her (ew) or carry her away (terrifying) is going to get your ass thrown out of that club so fast – if the bouncer won’t, I’ll do it myself. Your cheesy pick-up lines don’t work and the rise of the backhanded compliment was short lived. Unfortunately guys, you’ve been left without any tricks and have had to resort to encouraging real conversation to get those coveted 11 digits.
To be clear, I have no sympathy for the arrogant arseholes who think that they are God’s gift, they have way too far to come for me to hold their hand all the way there. However, I do feel slightly bad for the guys who are trying to be nice when they approach girls but just don’t know any better, the ones who don’t understand why their actions are being met with angry eyebrows and abuse. So this one is for you, Mr. Nice-Guy.
Why are you touching me? Don’t touch me
First and foremost, don’t fucking touch me. The amount of guys who come up to me at a bar or in a club and just like start touching my waist or my shoulder before they’ve even started talking like Jesus Christ. Who are you? What do you want? How drunk are you? Are you trying to drag me off into the shadows? Let me the hell go.
Even if you are the nicest human being on the planet and we have everything in common, the conversation stops there because I am too shaken up by you rubbing your sweaty drunk hands all over me. Weirdo. Don’t do it. That goes for ANY type of physical contact by the way.
Oh, but what about establishing physical intimacy? I hear you cry.
Let me do that. When I want you to touch me, it will either be abundantly clear or I will have made the first move. Please don’t assume all girls are shrinking violets who need to be coaxed out of their shy little shells. If in doubt of when to touch a girl, just don’t and stick to using your words – like a person, having a normal conversation with another person. If you seriously cannot contain yourself from touching me in some way, keep it above the waist and actually talk to me first. If you come over and grab me without warning, you’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’.
Don’t bring the #lads
Talk to me alone. Why some guys approach girls with all of their friends is completely beyond me. A group of lads at the bar ordering jagerbombs does not make for a calm and relaxed setting and your pal shouting ‘go on my son’ like literally right beside me does not help. It’s incredibly intimidating and it makes the whole situation (including you and your pals) seem like a joke.
If your mates are at the bar with you, gimme a quick smile and come find me later by yourself. If you’re shy, I will accept one pal coming too, but he should be disappearing pretty quickly after the opening line. You shouldn’t need adult supervision to talk to a girl and I don’t bite (unless you’re into that).
Say something interesting and write your own lines
For the love of the seven Gods, say something interesting and genuine. If one more person comes at me with a chat-up line I might honestly swear off romance for the rest of my life. It’s so fake and vapid and pointless and admittedly hilarious, but lacking so much substance. Like how do you expect the conversation to go: you say a chat-up line, I laugh, we get to chatting and go home together? That’s all very well and good but after a chat-up line has been said and the laugh has ended, there’s not much in the way of acceptable follow up conversation to revert to and you will forever be known by your first impression.
The girls I spoke to said that they would rather “just a guy being honest and even a little sheepish when asking for my number. No creepy chat up lines just “you seem cool so what do you think about going on a date?”
Honest and genuine people get the girl.
I’m normally a huge fan of puns and dad jokes, but please don’t try to use them to get in my pants. It’s uncomfortable and everybody knows they rarely work. If you refuse to let go of your precious lines then I want something I’ve never heard before, something smart that doesn’t use word play about me being naked or the size of your dick. We all know it’s not that big, and you’re setting me up for disappointment.
No backhanded compliments
Ah, of course, the backhanded compliment. “Wow, for a girl of your size you’re really pulling off that dress.”, “normally I hate horrible, full fringes but it looks nice on you”, “ginger girls are usually minging but you’re gorgeous”, “you’re not like other girls, you’re fun”. I honestly just shuddered writing these. QUIT IT. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. I thought we were all taught this as children no? Quit it with thinking that by lowering our confidence we will stoop to your level.
Once, a guy approached me and told me that he thought my English degree was “typical for a girl to choose” and that it was “cute” that I was “following a dream with no money in it”. I do not care if those statements are true or false, or if they’re intended as a joke. I told him that he was lucky that his dick was so tiny and his ass was so flat so that he could squeeze himself into such gorgeous skinny jeans.
No means no
Possibly the most important sentiment on this list. If you are told to fuck off, then off you fuck my friend. This is another thing that completely baffles me. If you go up and ask for a girl’s number and she says no, then why the hell do you still want the number?
No doesn’t need a reason
You don’t have to say “I have a boyfriend” to get away. Seriously, it’s as simple as that.
My friends are (and always will be) more important than you
Fuckboy: “Let’s go back to my place.”
Me: “Nah, I’m here for a friend’s birthday, in fact I better get back to them now.”
Acceptable responses: “OK, have a good night.”
“OK, text me later if you change your mind.”
Unacceptable responses: “Just screw them, she probably won’t even notice.”
“We can just leave for a bit and come back.”
“I’m sure she’ll understand if you leave.”
A drink is not a contract
If you buy me a drink, it does not mean that I owe you anything. I don’t owe you sex, a kiss, a number, a conversation, I don’t even owe you a look in your direction. You’ll get a thank you because it’s polite, but I sure as hell didn’t owe you that either. If you see our relationship as some sort of trade agreement or point scoring game of who does what for who then I’m not interested even a tiny bit.
You don’t hold a door for someone so that they’ll hold it back, you hold it to be nice. Get it into your thick skull. Similarly, I don’t expect a guy to buy me drink in a bar, I don’t expect him to pay for dinner on a date, I don’t expect much guys, come on. If you don’t want to spend the money, then don’t do it, it’s not my fault you wasted £8 because my drink is expensive.
Be nice to the bartender
On a related note, when you’re ordering, be nice to the bartender. I think that the way a guy treats the staff is indicative of his personality and if you’re pushing past people and waving and clicking and being rude then I will be gone by the time you get back. Yes, you might think you’re the total man for getting our drinks quicker or whatever, but it is unforgivable to be rude to the staff. I’d rather wait, thanks.
A genuine smile is the most attractive thing in the world.