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An effective and foolproof guide to internet stalking without getting caught
Avoid the dreaded accidental double tap
We’ve all been there, four years deep on a crushes’ IG page, doing the “no trust me he’s fit, I just need to find a good picture!” routine and then BAM. Disaster strikes. You accidentally like a photo 160 weeks back and now have to change your name and move to Tibet.
Here’s how to avoid that.
Firstly, scroll all the way to the bottom of their photos. Just scroll so that every photo is loaded. Once you’ve scrolled the whole way down (or, as far down as you intend to go), turn flight mode on.
Once flight mode is on and the pictures are loaded, click at wild abandon. Because all the photos are loaded, you don’t need internet, and because the internet is off, you can’t accidentally like them. And if you do, the ‘like’ won’t go through – the recipient will never know, even when you turn your Internet back on.
Alternatively, you can use an app called Instasnoop. Instasnoop is basically Instagram, but you can’t like anything; just sit and watch your prey. The app even has a feature called Snooplist, which allows you to keep tabs on people you don’t follow (e.g., your ex’s fit new girlfriend). And best of all: you can even pinch-to-zoom (HA! upon zooming, her boobs aren’t even that big).
Hooked up with a dude and got their number, but forgot their name? Just type their mobile number into Facebook, and if they’ve linked it, their profile will come right up.
Other creepy ways to stalk a potential bae are by using keyword shortcuts. So, in this situation, imagine your victim’s name is ‘Hotty McBangMe’.
Search: “recent photos of Hotty McBangMe” (to show your mates your bae at his best).
Search: “Pages liked by Hotty McBangMe” (to check he’s not a serial killer).
Search: “Photos Hotty McBangMe has liked” (to check he’s still not obsessed with his ex).
Thank me later.
Where is he?The day Twitter introduced the lil follow button on the right hand side next to peoples’ tweets, my life was ruined. I have accidentally followed people I was just tryna creep on more times than I would like to admit. An easy fix for this is to stalk on a desktop rather than your phone (it’s way harder to have a case of the butter fingers when you’re not using a touch sensitive phone).
However, if you are on your phone, scroll via the left hand side of the screen. The sneaky tap to follow button is on the right hand side, so you’ll be less likely to mistakenly tap it.
Alternatively, if you want to go in deep with the stalking, you can create a private list. A private list means you can basically add all the handles of the people you want to keep up with, and you’ll be alerted when they tweet. The best part? Because it’s a private list, they don’t know they’re on it, only you do.
Evil genius.