I gave my Tinder profile an honest makeover to see if anyone would match with me
‘I can tell you have a decent bod, dress up and put some make up on and you’ll get more matches’
In a world of Snapchat filters, photoshop apps and catfishing, dating apps are becoming a deceitful place. When you throw in bios full of generic inspirational quotes, feigned interests in intellectual concepts and shite like “coffee lover”, it’s a recipe for heartbreak.
As an experiment, and a sort of protest against the falsity of online dating, I allowed my friends to create a real dating app profile for me. I trusted them to be completely honest, and they didn’t hold back. They used pictures that were not filtered, not photoshopped, and definitely not posed.
After swiping right for everyone until I ran out of likes, I ended up with about 50 matches. Some were actually quite fit, but they didn’t reply to my messages. Presumably they read my bio, took a closer look and ran a mile. Others were quite keen and loved my honesty. But they were a bit creepy and I had a feeling they weren’t getting many matches on a daily basis.
Steve relished at the chance of slating me but ended up giving me the line, “I’m a dick but still a laugh” which I thought was oddly sweet and touched my soul.
Dom, on the other hand, went straight in with the essential information, “the carpet matches the drapes”. No messing about there, thanks for your input.
Lois, the sweetheart that she is, didn’t want to be too mean, but still picked up on the fact that I actually never ever stop talking. Someone had to point it out. She also thought it was essential for my potential dates to know that I include ketchup in my bolognese recipe. It really pops, trust me.
The absolute joker of the bunch, Rowan, picked up on the fact that I have a large rear-end, and also the fact that I am incapable of lying. “I have a big butt and I can’t lie”, was an excellent spin on the Sir Mix-a-Lot classic.
And then there was Jonny. His pleasant paragraph at the bottom of my bio was carefully constructed to warn any suitors that they’re not in for an easy ride, “going out with me is like dating a nuclear power station. I need constant attention and my friends want to keep 30km away from me because I won’t stop talking about what the date was like, the colour of his eyes, what he bought his Mum for Christmas. It will rot you from the inside without you knowing.” Probably true to be fair.
The first few responses however, were encouraging. “You put ketchup on pasta? I don’t know if I can make that work. We’re done here sorry.”
“Your bio is very in depth so I feel like I know a few things about you which is always interesting. It makes me want to learn more.”
“I’m sat with my little sister in an airport so I asked her opinion. She gives a thumbs up, especially on the ketchup on pasta.”
The profile picture
I took this picture in the office without looking in the mirror first or adjusting how I looked in any way. If people want to know what I look like on a daily basis, here it is. This is what would come home to you at night, if you don’t want it, don’t swipe right.
The action shot
This picture was taken at Thorpe Park a year ago, and is still an absolute classic. It shows that I’m up for anything, but also terrified of rollercoasters. Again, I didn’t know the picture was being taken, and I am looking naturally beautiful. A well chosen action shot in my opinion.
One delightful single guy said: “Two out of your four pictures make you look hella unattractive. From one of them I can tell you have a decent bod, dress up and put some make-up on and you’ll get more matches. Remove the nuclear power station joke, it makes you seem clingy and guys don’t like that. Gotta be independent. You’re the prize.”
The sexy bedroom shot
I was hungover, so I got a McDonald’s. I was sweaty, so I took my top off. I have no shame. This is me in all of my glory. This is what dating me would be like, tummy rolls and all.
The response? “Your Maccies in bed picture is pretty rad”
This isn’t even me at my worst. But it’s a side of me that has to be seen, because I look like this all the time. I think people thought it was good banter, when really it’s just my face.
It got a surprisingly positive response though. “I loved the last pic. It’s the reason I swiped right, it’s so natural.”
“Forced double chin and half naked bed McDonald’s? You livin life yo.”
I don’t think I’ll be finding my life partner through this experience. But I have to say, it was an eye opener. It was such a stark difference to what I would normally put on a dating profile, but I like it better this way.
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