If you dressed as Donald Trump for Halloween, congrats! You nailed 2016’s most basic costume


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If you dressed as Donald Trump for Halloween, congrats! You nailed 2016’s most basic costume

But yeah, keep complaining about girls going as Harley Quinn

“I’m gonna count all the basic bitches dressed as Harley Quinn tonight lol”.

The triumphant tweeter smiles, sets his phone down, cracks the knuckles on the fingers which have just typed the most groundbreaking observational social media comedy of 2016. He pauses. Flicks the phone over. Three notifications. Fucking yes. Magnanimously he likes a tweet from someone who RT’d him: “omg seriously every fucking girl is Eleven from Stranger Things for Halloween like get some creativity”.

Women on Halloween eh. Basic bitches on Halloween.

Chuckling, he puts the phone of the pocket of his cheap suit and examines the finishing touches on his costume in the mirror. Blonde comb-over wig: check. Orange fake tan: check. Red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat: check. Tonight, the basic white boy who passes comment on what girls wear from his ivory tower of Halloween creativity, tonight he is Donald Trump.

People are gonna love it.

Seriously though, you’d think that given all the scoffing about girls’ Halloween costumes this year – yes, a lot of us dressed as Harley Quinn and yes, a lot of us dressed as Eleven – men would have co-ordinated their own efforts a little bit better.

Think of how many of them you saw on Saturday night. Cast your mind and count them, count all the “HAHAHA RIGHT? DONALD TRUMP, YOU GET IT?” boys who filed through the door of your party, the ghost of a smile still on their face when they catch sight of Donald Trumps four-through-nine cringing for an awkward pic together in the corner.

There were so many boys dressed as Trump.

Imagine the horror on hundreds, thousands of tangerine biscuity-scented faces (fake tan is hard to scrub off) on Sunday morning when they logged on to Facebook to laugh about how “loooooooooooool another fucking Harley Quinn classic” only to discover that 2016’s Basic Bitch Costume™ isn’t Harley, Elle or even the classic Mean Girls sexy cat: it’s Donald Trump. Edgy boys dressed as Donald Trump. Guys who thought of this all by themselves dressed as Donald Trump.

Maybe it was meant to convey originality. Maybe it was meant to convey creativity, to convey savvy political awareness. Maybe it was so you could doff your red cap at everyone else at the party and whisper to them in an aside: “I’m not actually a racist misogynist guys, it’s like, a funny costume”. “Oh!” they’ll reply, impressed and amused. There’ll be pictures taken with strangers at the party. Perhaps there will be a polite round of applause for your sartorial satire.

Look, don’t get too upset over this.

Much like the hormonal effects of the contraceptive pill, this is a depressing reality women have lived with for a long time that you are new to but should hopefully soon come to understand: if you wear a basic bitch halloween costume, you’ll be shamed for it. Accept it and move on and for fuck’s sake do not plan to go as “slutty Donald Trump” next year. If you get upset about it, you’ll only look like more of a basic bitch.

There’s always next year, hun.