Concept: Men are boring

On Friday, Metro ran a piece detailing everything men think make a woman boring. When I saw the title, combined with the fact it was written by a woman, I was ready to give it a shot, read it, take it all in, learn to improve upon myself. Who knows, maybe it was satire? But then it turned out to be exactly what I expected, a bunch of men critiquing women’s Facebook etiquette and – in the subtext – using it as an excuse to moan about being friendzoned that one time. Like fucking fedora wearing fannies.

From my experience, women are so much more interesting than men, but women also have much lower expectations for what makes a man ‘interesting’ than men do. Women can have deep, rich interior lives, but if they pout in their Facebook picture, nope, bad, awful person. Clearly boring. But women can overlook things like that in men, hence the oft used phrase within women’s circles, ‘no he’s better looking/nicer/funnier than that – let me find you another picture/tweet’. So I decided to respond to each of their claims.

‘The kind of woman that thinks that just because she’s hot she doesn’t need to have a personality’

I mean, guys that are hot think wearing the same Topman tee shirt six days a week, doing long, misguided statuses about how ‘Brexit is actually really good’, sending you the hearts for eyes emoji repeatedly every day until he dies and squint-pointing at the club camera man is a substitute for a personality, sooooo.

‘Lack of intellectual curiosity. Too much ‘oh, I’ve never really wondered about that”

Unless I’m dating Einstein, I don’t want to hear this. How often have you pondered black holes on your Saturday afternoon? The intricacies of four-dimensional space? Calculating Graham’s Number? If all I have to listen to is ‘AAAAH I’M SO PISSED OFF, I TOOK SUAREZ OFF MY FOOTBALL MANAGER THIS MORNING AND NOW LOOK WHAT HE’S DONE’, you’re going to sure as shit allow me the privilege of being able to learn about new things.

‘I always try to look them up on Facebook and will always judge a person on their pictures. By that meaning if they post a shit load of pictures each time she goes out that’s one of my red flags. Another is that if they always have to have stupid faces (derp, duck face, moustache on finger…)’

You don’t go out much do you? No one has said ‘derp’ since 2009. Moustache on finger??? Have you had a social media page since Myspace? Go back to your Reddit thread of ‘most epic conspiracy theories’, Jeffrey.

‘If her pictures are mostly sexual. By that meaning if there’s a bunch of pics of her humping people or dressing skanky. Lastly if she is mostly drunk or has a drink in most pictures then I’m completely turned off.’

I’m so thirsty, I’m dying, my throat is cracked and blistered like a granny’s foot and my internal organs are shutting down. Alas, it’s for the best, if I have a drink in my hand in my facebook pictures George, 19, from Hove won’t fancy me. I would rather die than go through that torment. George, I’ll be waiting for you on the other side, my love. Adieu.

‘She’s more interested in how her life looks on social media than how her life actually feels’

Can I ask you a question, Anthony? Do you have an acoustic guitar? Do you bring it with you to every party ‘just in case the mood is right’? Do you force it even if the mood isn’t right (it never is) and sing the same Ed Sheeran song every time just because it’s all you learnt in GCSE music, hoping one of the girls at the party will fuck you? Anthony, do you, at said party, press girls up against the fridge, very clearly making signs to their friends to get them out of the situation, ‘ironic’ WKD heavy on your breath, and ask them if they’d like to go and ‘talk outside’?

Anthony, did you really sign a petition for ‘national everyone put their phones down for one day!!!!’ because it would, like, so improve the way we understand each other? But Anthony, without your phone, how would you ever harass girls and send unsolicited dick pics with the flash on under the guise of ‘chirpsing’ them?

‘I wouldn’t seriously date someone who relied on horoscopes’

I wouldn’t date someone who seriously relied on LadBible for his banter, and yet here we are.

‘When I see the same woman post a selfie every single day showing how ‘beautiful’ she is, I automatically think she does it because there’s nothing else worth knowing about her’

When I see a guy post a link to his SoundCloud ‘chill summer jam mixes’ playlist every single day showing how ‘talented a DJ’ he is, I automatically think he does it because he has a small penis and tight funds that he’s compensating for.

‘When every girl instantly assumes you’re trying to get with them or make a move and stops making an effort, when you actually just wanted to make friends’

This has honestly never happened, in the history of the entire world. This guy’s a fucking liar who’s been friend zoned one too many times and is mad about it. Every time I think I’m ‘just mates’ with a guy, next thing I know he’s breathing heavy in my ear with his erection pressed against my leg like SOWHATAREWE. Friends, James. With absolutely zero benefits.

Ah, men. Dry elbowed, dry dicked, same haircut, ‘only owns three outfits’, constantly suggesting Nando’s, ‘have you played Mafia III? Let’s spend an entire weekend playing Mafia III’, no I don’t want to listen to your podcast boring fuck men: let women live.

@perrrrin