I love you so much I would die for you, but I won’t put your dick in my mouth

To my bae, boo thang, lover boy, sexy-body-man,

Our time together has been so fun. Remember the first time we kissed? Remember the significantly-improved second time we kissed? Or the first time you rubbed my butt, the first time you bought me food, the first time you watched, alarmed, as I fucking destroyed that pizza?

Nothing compares to the first time we had sex. I mean, it was magical. But I know what you’re thinking—there’s just one thing missing, and that thing is a BJ.

There is definitely some opposition to oral sex among women, but for me, it’s less about how I feel doing it and more about equality.

No, by equality I’m not saying you should go down on me just as much (though it does make sense to do so). And we won’t even begin the discussion of how I’m constantly surrounded by “girlfriend” expectations to take care of her man in every way possible, because already that makes me want to fucking vom. What I’m saying is, there is a 100 percent guarantee that you will come every time, my sweet lover, unless you’re sick or something.

The chances of me reaching the finish line, literally ever, is approximately 40 percent. Sorry bout the bad news, sugar bear, but it is what it is.

Given this information, I think you’ll agree that denying me any stimulation is just fucking rude.

The bottom line, sweetheart, is that in life and in the sheets, it’s basically all about you already. You’ve got it made, you can even check to see how much privilege you already have. Babe, these issues go so much deeper than your dick in my throat.

So no, I’m not going to suck you off, at least not until you get my orgasm odds to 100 percent. Hope you’re up for that challenge, boo, because til then, this mouth isn’t fuckin you.