I did everything my horoscope told me for a week


IRL  • 

I did everything my horoscope told me for a week

My chakras didn’t know what had hit them

You’ve probably noticed the rise of all things New Earth in popular culture: from yoga to veganism, crystal healing to holistic health, there seems to be a new wave of spirituality hitting the social media scene. Unsurprisingly, along with this has come an impressive rise in the public’s fixation on astrology. More and more people are placing their trust within the Universe, and by the looks of it, they’re more than happy with the results.

Personally, I’m undecided on the validity of the zodiac, if anything I lean towards cynicism (which may or may not just be because I’m bitter that president Trump and I both happen to be Geminis. Ffs.) However, those who do believe in the power of the Universe seem to be significantly more content with their lives than those who do not. Spilling coffee over a newly completed assignment or missing the metro happens for a reason as far as they’re concerned. Naturally I thought it would be a good idea to see what all the fuss was about by doing exactly as my horoscope instructs me every day for a week, to see if something out there really is looking out for me. Namaste.


“Reach down inside”? “Dive deeper”? Why the obsession with depth – are they saying I’m too shallow? Aside from letting everyone I encounter know how amazing I am, I was thrilled to email my seminar tutor asking for some extra work for me to “roll my sleeves up and get deeper into” – a few more hours spent in the library each day will sort me right out. Cheers Universe.

I thought best to set some strict bedtime rules if I actually wanted to be productive, so sleep was no later than midnight, and an everyday alarm was set for 8am. As for the “new interest” for me to “dive deeper into”, I chose yoga & meditation: who knows, maybe I’ll reach nirvana whilst I’m doing my daily Sun Salutations.

SPOILER: I didn’t

To be fair, after my evening session I was left feeling very zen, which is just as fucking well given the amount of uni work I’m about to take on.


Like 90% of students, the only “responsibilities” I’m not meeting are those regarding my work, and my health. And you’re not wrong, horoscope, I do feel guilty about it. So, as for health, I woke up bright and early to go to the nearest health food store and spent far too much money on a pack of Green Superfood sachets.


Funnily enough, attempting to neck an entire pint of the stuff was just about the worst experience of my life. It was by far the most difficult substance I’ve ever tried to swallow, but after an excruciating 5 minutes,  I had finished it.

And the best part is I get to do it all over again tomorrow

Now for my work responsibilities. I had a short essay due in two days which, I’d been pretending didn’t exist, and this was the time for me to step up and face the postcolonial music. After dinner I packed my rucksack and spent my Valentine’s evening inside a certain Phillip Robinson. Well…his library.

Table for one, please


So today’s task was to be a good listener in order to “comprehend and evaluate” whatever situations I encountered. Of course this would be the day I was the only one in when a knock on the door revealed the smiling face of a charity worker, asking if I would be interested in joining a lottery that would keep a hospice on its feet. In the spirit of the day’s task, I invited him out of the cold and inside for a cuppa and a chance to explain the charity in depth. I came out of that conversation £5 poorer. £5 a month poorer.

Could you have shut the door in the face of charity?

The evening took a dramatic turn for the best under the watchful eye of my astrological guardians. A good friend texted me for the first time in a while, and before long we were discussing an issue of hers. Now this, I did want to comprehend and evaluate. I asked if she was free later on and she suggested we go for a spontaneous catch-up dinner and on to Jack Whitehall’s standup at the Metro Radio Arena that night, as she had managed to get two tickets for the show that she wasn’t going to use (long story). I mean, I wasn’t going to say no was I.

The Universe really does have a sense of humour


After a 9am discussing 18th century theatre, I wouldn’t say I was feeling particularly “enthusiastic” about anything, but I put my mind to it and focused on what “projects, ideas and plans” I had that I was ready to take action in. I’d been toying with the idea of taking a placement year (which isn’t offered within my course), and decided that today was the day I would apply to temporarily suspend my studies from September.

One gap year just wasn’t enough


I kept my eye out for any “sudden inspiration” or “radically different goals”, and what do you know, over lunch my housemate mentioned that she was about to book tickets for a long weekend at home, asking if I wanted to join her. This was the perfect opportunity to follow my stars and I wasn’t going to pass it up, missed lectures be damned.

Did I mention she lives in Barcelona?


The only conflict in my life that came to mind was a friendship between myself and two girls that had begun at the age of 3, and abruptly ended over some significant drama. I was completely over it, and I know they were too, so I sent the first message between us in nearly 3 years. It couldn’t have gone better: the hatchet was well and truly buried, and things quickly resumed from where they left off.



Waking up, I was eager to find out what the Universe had in store for what was going to be my final day of astrological obedience. First I googled what the hell “upside down eyeliner” is and, mortified at the result, set out creating a look that I was certain only looks good on catwalk models and fashion interns.

I was right

As for unconventional layering, I donned the most unconventional layers I could suffer, and headed to Sainsbury’s to see what wandering eyes my unique flare could catch. You guessed it: none. The only looks I was getting closely resembled those that I gave my mirror reflection: confusion, annoyance, and disapproval. After making sure I’d gone unnoticed by no customer, I admitted defeat and returned home for my final yoga & meditation session of the week.

It was going to take a few glasses to live down the fact that I went into public looking like this much of a cunt

So there we have it. I completed my week. I let the Universe take the wheel, and just look where I’ve arrived: I’ve become slightly more flexible, my sleeping pattern is fixed, I have a much heavier workload, I’ve got new adventures to look forward to and significantly less money. Oh, and I got to see Jack Whitehall. Admittedly, I managed to do in a week what would normally have taken weeks, or even months to get down to, so maybe there is something to the spiritual life after all. I think I’ll settle for a glance at what the Universe wants from us Geminis every few weeks or so, and have done with it. I would definitely recommend you give your horoscope a chance; you’ve got nothing to lose, and who knows what the stars have in store for you?

Namaste, folks.


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