Literally just a list of pointless Daily Mail sidebar of shame headlines

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Literally just a list of pointless Daily Mail sidebar of shame headlines

THIS IS NOT NEWS

It’s no secret that the Daily Mail isn’t the most legit source of news out there. But nowhere does it solidify its reputation as literal actual trash as much as the Mail Online’s insipid ‘Sidebar of Shame’. The sidebar of shame, an institution for the most non-stories stories in the world is a nauseating blend of bland, shit, nothingness, sexism and straight creepiness, all under the guise of celeb news.

In a celebration of the Sidebar of Shame, which haunts your dreams as you journey through the Mail Online’s homepage/towards the seventh circle of hell, we have comprised a list of some of it’s best headlines evaa. Why is it so awful? Why are people paid to write about this drivel? Why do we actually secretly love it?

Here are some of the most pointless of the best of the worst. You’re welcome.

WOMAN IS DRESSED WHILE DRINKING COFFEE

Wow how brave.

JAMES CORDEN HAS NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE

Oh my God! James Corden in real life near death experience? Is he alright? Are his family OK? Is he in therapy because his brush with death has reminded him of his own mortality and the ultimate transience of human life and the fact that we are all tiny insignificant specs hurtling through space at a million lightyears a second?

No. Because, as this video clip shows, what actually happened was that James Corden walked past a stationary car and THAT’S IT.

WOMAN EATS FOOD

So many issues for so many reasons. This is classic DM – fat-shaming one of the world’s most famous supermodels for having a meal before work. You know, so she doesn’t pass out on the catwalk and stuff. Do they think that she’ll literally balloon from that one pizza and the Fendi show will be ruined? Who gives a shit anyway? If they slam Cara for this then what hope is there for the rest of us?

Side note: why is Kate Moss Cara’s Velma Von Tussle-esque mum in this scenario?

WOMAN TRAVELS

Read all about it! Read all about it! LeAnn Rimes follows normal airport procedures instead of being carried through security on a diamond sedan chair! Guess she’s not a proper celeb ha ha.

WOMAN HAS SMOOTH SILKY SKIN AND NOBODY IS A CREEPY SERIAL KILLER HERE

A. Pointless information. B. So creepy. If I were Jordana Brewster I would double lock my doors because someone is obviously planning on wearing her skin, perhaps as an ‘off the shoulder dress’ which would be perfect for a romantic date night, say, with one’s husband, now you mention it.

FAMILY GO ON WALK

For once the Daily Mail have written a piece about women that isn’t particularly offensive. In fact, the only offensive thing is that it’s just boring as sin and isn’t interesting in any way, at all. This is literally a news story based on the fact that someone is almost as tall as someone else, but not quite. The mind boggles and the soul weeps.

WOMAN REACTS TO UNPLEASANT TASTE

Never mind that BAFTA and starring in all those critically acclaimed films, let it be known that Rosanna Arquette HATES GREEN JUICE. Poor Eleanor Gower not only had nothing better to do at 7:35 am, a week before Christmas than to publish this total non-story, to the extent that she updated it two hours later. Because if this ain’t breaking news I don’t know what is!

WOMAN EATS CHOCOLATE DESPITE PREVIOUSLY EATING SALAD

What’s it to be Jennifer? Are you a liar or a cheat? Err because you, erm, told us that you live on salads? But looks to me like you just ate some chocolate froyo and er if my calculations are correct (WHICH I THINK THEY ARE) then er that isn’t salad? So why you lyin’ for?? There’s too many snakes out there already for this kind of treachery.

MAN IS SLEEPY

‘The first three days of married life appear to have got the better of Benedict Cumberbatch’. Three days. Because women are evil witches and will totally sap the life-blood of a virile young man within three days of getting that ring on their finger. Three days later and Benedict is a withered husk of a man, yawning only so the world may see the decimated remains of his vitality crumbling deep within him.

Or, you know, Benedict has a touch of jetlag after flying halfway across the world immediately after having a massive party. But yeah, it’s probably the marriage thing.

MOTHER PLACES BABY IN AUTOMOBILE

 

There’s people who are dying, Kim.

WOMAN IS ON HOLIDAY, EATS

Come on, give the girl a break and let her enjoy her holiday pasty in peace goddammit.

THE BEST SIDEBAR OF SHAME ARTICLE TO EVER EXIST

This story is almost notorious for its mundaneness, but of course it is vintage sidebar. Three years ago TOWIE star Lauren Goodger almost-but-not-quite stepped in a tiny pool of water and thank heavens the Daily Mail was here to immortalise the closely averted ‘watery disaster’ for generations to come.

MAN GOES ROUND SHOPS

My mum literally does this like twice a week and she never gets any credit for it. Fucking patriarchy man.

SKIER ALSO HAS SEX WITH GOLFER

 

Congrats to Lindsey Vonn on her amazing achievement of being Tiger Woods’ girlfriend! Oh, you’re an international skiing champion or some shit? He must be so proud. Behind every great man there’s a great woman and all that.

WOMEN LEAVE RESPECTIVE HOMES WITHOUT MAKE-UP

A double whammy here, because alongside the sidebar’s pervy documentation of female celebs ‘flaunting’/’showing off’/’displaying’/’showcasing’ their various physical attributes, it seems to be shocking to DM writers that some women dare to venture out of the house without a full face of make up.

Like picking at a scab or watching an ex’s Snapchat story, the eternal appeal of the sidebar of shame is a sadistic mystery. For as long as we lie in bed idly scrolling anything on our phones to avoid getting dressed in the mornings, we’ll read it – we’ll hate it, but we’ll still read it. At least it gives us gems like these to enjoy, eh?

Is it just me?

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