We asked for people to tell us about the absolute worst one night stand they’ve ever had and now we kind of regret it

It’s kind of a given that if you’re going to have sex with a stranger, you’re going to have some weird moments. Obviously one night stands can be fun and ~mysterious~, but they can also be absolute disasters. And the moments of absolute disaster, it goes without saying, are much more fun to read about than the good bits.

With that in mind we asked some people to expunge from their soul the worst stories from their ONS and luckily they obliged (warning, some of these confessions may cause you to lose your faith in casual sex and/or humanity).

John

I was once courting a young lady. As we went back to hers and got to know each other better, things got going and as we come close to climax, I pulled out – she dodged what came next and as she moved it hit her cat on the back … it then ran off into the other room and I had to catch it to wipe it off. Not my finest moment.

Andy

I’d been dating a girl but then things ended. A month later I got a call from her asking to go for a drink, I said I wasn’t going to as it was a SUNDAY. Six hours later she tells me she’s outside my flat, so I went out but she’s not there or anywhere near where the bus stop she said she was at. It turns out, after a frantic half hour getting her to send me her location on whatsapp, she was at a bus stop on the other side of London. And, she’d fallen asleep so I had no idea whether she’d still be there. Having told her friends she was home, I was the only person who knew where she was.

I found her at a bus stop, 45 minutes away. At 11:30pm on a Sunday, I picked her up, took her home and fell asleep leaving her to sober up. I was woken up again at 3am. She’s fine now but crying, so we chat for a while, then she gets horny, and starts pleading that I drink with her. It hits 4am, ON A SUNDAY, so we start to have sex. The sex was average, I was so sleepy and full of merlot and I didn’t really know what I was doing. In the night she was flailing her legs around so much she full on booted me in the head and I woke up with a lump. I politely asked her to slam the door on her way out.

Anna

I was out with my course, and a guy who I’d been flirting with for some time was out as well. I ended up going back to his, we inevitably started getting with each other. We were shagging, it was all great, then suddenly when he was on top he shouted “do you love me?” to which i stopped and replied, confusingly (and surprised), “no I just wanna shag you?” he stopped and we went to sleep, and never shagged again.

Henry

St. Patrick’s day 2016, a bar with a novelty Irish name. The green beer and carbombs were flowing. I was making polite conversation with some mild-mannered work friends, it was all very chilled. Suddenly, this girl from nowhere, appears next to me. She introduces herself through the medium of a crotch grab. Although I was taken aback by such a forward introduction, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She starts aggressively flirting while we’re at the bar and even buys me a beer. As we’re making our way back to our group of friends, she tells me to meet her in the bathroom. I go in, unsure of what’s to come. I’m greeted by her on her knees, she tells me she’s on her period and that I need to “throat fuck” her. I put it in her thrussy and the rest is history. We never spoke again.

Brooke

I went back with a guy who I’d fancied for a while. He was cool, kind of druggy-chic and really beautiful. After a night out, we slept together. He proceeded to start crying and told me he loved me (which he didn’t). We are still friends now, but from the next day we both pretended nothing had happened.

Kat

I should have known the sex with this guy was going to be miserable because he referred to women as “greedy bitches” more than once over the course of my date but I was bored and felt like getting it in so against my better judgment I invited him back to my apartment. We were just about to go full penetraysh when he says “You know what I thought when you took off your shirt and I saw your nipple piercing? Damn, this slut loves anal.”

I was SO OFFENDED I told him to zip his pencil dick up and kicked him out of my house, throwing his Mets jacket and hat (who doubles up like that?!) out the door after him.

British Guy

I was visiting friends at a college in America, somewhere in upstate New York. Being the only brit at a party, I had a natural advantage at his frat party. Girls were literally coming up to me and asking to prove I was British. I hit it off with an absolute babe and we were talking. Suddenly, after I’d just finished doing a keg stand, she was nowhere to be found. I looked for her for a good ten minutes before conceding defeat. As I returned to the main part of the party, I ran into a significantly less attractive girl, who was even more into my accent.

Literally 45 seconds in, we’re getting on behind the bar at this party. In under 5 mins we were back at the frat house, looking for an empty bed. We find one and she gets naked. We’re then rudely interrupted by the guy who’s room it is. He starts shouting, telling me I’ve disgraced the fraternity, that I’ve insulted the brotherhood, that I’m never welcome there again. My friend who invited me heroically covers and we sneak into a bathroom. It’s pretty small and we have to lie down and bang in the bath. We start going at it, with shampoo bottles falling onto my bare back. We finish and she says “you can go now”. I did and never saw her again.

Riley

This was an almost sex experience but I think it still counts. I met up with this guy downtown and he was a hot musician with a manbun so I was feeling it. He was a student at the New School but he was 22 like I was at the time so it was fine. Not my fault I’m a genius who graduated early. ANYWAY, so we get drunk as fuck and go to his v cute apartment near the school and we’re making out and getting freaqqi and then he gets like really teary-eyed and tells me he’s a virgin but he wants me to be his first time. I’m sorry, WHAT?!

I jump out of bed and run right into the bathroom where I start throwing up. And I’m throwing up for like a solid hour. I’m gone so long he starts playing the drums in the other room, pausing every few minutes to hear me retch and ask if I’m OK. The kicker is like two years later I start dating this older guy and go with him to see his little brother’s band play. He’s the drummer.

Sasha

Not like the worst but I was hooking up with this sk8r boi in college (hi, Jeff!) and one night it was really cold so I tried to keep my socks on. He lays into me for like five minutes about how fucking weird that is! Sorry I have a low base temperature, OK? Let me live. The worst part is that even though I had to take my socks off to get any more of that sweet skater dick, he left his long leather cord necklace on and it kept smacking me in the face when he was on top. Considered strangling him with it but resisted because I’m a lady.

Ellie

One time I went all the way to this guy’s house like 45 mins away despite the fact that he has a NY Rangers tattoo on his bicep. We get to his house and I notice that he doesn’t even have a bedroom door — just a faded Union Jack flag hung up with safety pins. Oh, and the mattress was just on the ground, not even in a bedframe. We still had sex like five times that night though because apparently I don’t love myself.

Megan

I was once slept with a guy, and I asked him to pull out – we weren’t using a condom and I wasn’t on the pill – I know, stupid. He didn’t then just said “ugh just use the morning after pill”, which I explained to him is not legit. But it didn’t stop there. He proceeded to pour a bottle of red wine that my mum had bought me all over my bed/entire room. He then stole my retainer (which he told me later, and cost me hundreds to replace). He then said he was going to get a glass of water and LEFT MY HOUSE. I was literally waiting in the bedroom when I heard my front door slam shut. Every time I saw him after he would run up to me to try to “explain” and apologise. We don’t talk any more.

Lauren

It was the kind of sex where you like ‘OK, I’m not hating this’, but you just want it to be over so I can go to sleep on my designated side of the bed. He was a very intense guy, and kept stopping mid-sex (pls just get it over with), smiling, pausing and telling me how soft my skin was or how into it he was or how soft my hair felt. I feel really mean because he was just being sweet, but it was way too early on and came across as really menacing.

@rosielanners