There’s a new health hazard called ‘avocado hand’ and you should be immediately absolutely terrified of it
This collective obsession with avocados is tearing our society apart
There are a lot of injuries and health hazards that are so painfully white, middle-class and/or basic that it’s difficult to feel much sympathy for them. For example, the sun burn you get on your face when you go skiing, or when you drop your phone or iPad on your face and hurt your nose. Or – a new one! – avocado hand.
Plastic surgeon Simon Eccles, of British Association of Plastic, Reconstructive and Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons, says he treats around four patients a week (at a hospital in Chelsea, obviously) for “avocado hand”. Basically, it’s – prepare yourself for this – when you accidentally jab yourself with a knife while cutting up your avocado. Nope, really, that’s honestly what it is.
Eccles told The Times: “People do not anticipate that the avocados they buy can be very ripe and there is minimal understanding of how to handle them. We don’t want to put people off the fruit but I think warning labels are an effective way of dealing with this.
“It needs to be recognisable. Perhaps we could have a cartoon picture of an avocado with a knife, and a big red cross going through it?”
Just let it sink in that we’re now collectively so shit at being adults that we need warnings on our avocados so we don’t accidentally cut off our hands while making guac. In New Zealand alone there’s been 303 compensation claims made based on avocado injuries, and they’ve paid out $60,000 dollars in the past three years. It even happened to Meryl Streep – an adult, mature woman who doesn’t make silly mistakes presumably – back in 2012 when she was photographed with a bandaged hand.
What a world.