I tried every way to get big-ass Kylie lips without expensive injections
Join me on my quest for juicy DSLs
Can we face facts? Big lips are just hot. They fill out your face, add a feminine boost, and just look sexy as hell.
It definitely didn't start with Kylie because duh! millions of Black women are naturally blessed with the coveted look, and we all know Kylie raids Black culture like Kris Jenner raids her kids' wardrobes.
But I still want them, OK? Who else called them DSLs in high school?
I've been craving a pair of DSLs of my own for ages, but didn't know exactly how to go about it. I don't want injections (have you seen the price?!) or implants (have you seen Lisa Rinna?!), so I set out to experiment with DIY at-home solutions to see what would actually give me big lips worthy of a Weeknd song.
Suction-Cup Method, AKA the Kylie Jenner Challenge
Yes, it's more or less the same idea behind putting your lips into a shot glass and sucking, but this is the safe way that won't put you in the hospital like all those stupid teens on Twitter.
Made by the company FullLips, the package arrives with three different-sized plastic cups to achieve different levels of lip thicc-ness. I went for the biggest one because go absurd or go home, right?
Here's your before, which is me serving you dead bird realness:
As you can see, my lips are medium-sized — like, not big but not thin either which I realize is the literal definition of medium so why did I even write that explainer out? Here's the suction cup actually on me:
You just put the thing on your lips and suck, which is fun and coincidental because that's exactly what I wanna do once my lips are big. It hurts a little, but you only leave it on for like, three minutes. The result:
And YEAH, I put a filter on it because I'm ugly and y'all are mean — I read the comments! Anyway, my lips are definitely bigger than before and feel very tingly and pillowy. It did leave a a big-ass ring around my mouth from where the cup was. But a little concealer and lipstick and bam:
PRETTY JUICY, RIGHT?! The only downside is it deflated after about an hour. The ring wasn't so bad that I couldn't bring the cup with me and plump in the bathroom, though, so that's one solution.
Overlining, AKA the Fraudulent Kylie Method
Lmaooo remember when overnight Kylie's lips went from so thin they looked like an open wound to suffocatingly huge and she was just like, "What? I just lined them bigger with a pencil!" Fake ass.
It does kiiiiind of work, but only if you don't take too large a liberty with it. This method is optimal if your lips are kind of medium like mine, so sorry to my thin-lipped sisters. You're in my prayers.
So this is the before with no lipstick on at all:
And here's the after with overlined lips (sorry about the lighting change, it's the sun in this office):
I don't love it. Maybe I was just to messy with it, maybe this is a look that only works in a dark bar. Either way, I didn't notice a big difference, and I will probably never do this again. Also, I learned that this angle makes me look like Little Foot from the Land Before Time:
Circulation, AKA the Sounds Fake But OK Method
This was the one I expected to be total bullshit. I once read on the Internet (where sometimes things are fake, who knew) that if you rub a lip exfoliant or sugar on your lips with some balm, the circulation and blood rush will make your lips look bigger.
I packed Lush's Bubblegum Lip Scrub (it's literally just sugar, save yourself the $8) over some Glossier Balm Dot Com and SCRUBBED that shit into my lips:
I mean, I really scrubbed it in. Probably harder than necessary. But it FUCKING TOTALLY WORKED, Y'ALL:
My lips even feel puffier. Who would've thought?!
Finals thoughts on this bullshit
Scrubbing and sucking work. Lip lining is trash. It's all kind of a lot to do every day though, so it might be more time-cost effective to just deal with it and get the damn injection. I mean, the cost of sugar alone smh.
Happy sucking, lippies!
Did you really think Warren Buffett was tweeting inspirational advice for teens?
Smart grind always pays off
by Harry Shukman
Warren Buffett, the billionare investor with a face like a dangly ballsack, is not dispensing advice for locals. And yet, people being people, they have fallen for a fake Warren Buffett account that tweets vanilla platitudes meant to inspire the extremely basic: Unless you're a total dunce and didn't spot that Warren Buffett has a…
Enough imagining dead celebrities in Heaven, I’m begging you
First of all, John McCain is in hell
by Amanda Ross
Death is awful, and I can't blame anyone for struggling to make sense of it. That's where the idea of an afterlife came from, right? Refusal to accept the nothingness waiting for us the moment our pulse stops? If it makes you feel better to imagine your grandma reclining on a cloud while the world…
This is how you can hide your Instagram pics without losing likes
If you’re trying to be scandalous
by Ari Bines
For those of you who are deluded into thinking you're Instagram famous with those 2,000 followers, this one's for you. While it's easier to delete Instagram pics from your grid, you may want to keep those sexy photos in an Instagram folder for a later time. Here's how to hide use your Instagram archive to…