Forget Russia, I want the new FBI Director to investigate this ass

Picture it: a possibly evil Colin Firth look-alike, strolling hand in hand with me, a beautiful full-time writer and part-time internet hoe through the streets of Washington, D.C.

We'll obviously eventually have to move to Russia because this sinister, sexy son of a bitch is probably low-key in league with Trump and Putin (I mean, all of Trump's nominees are self-serving), but I wouldn't even mind because I could look at his stupid dumb hot face every day.

Today, y'all's President tweeted (lmao) that he's nominating Christopher Wray — a former federal prosecutor who defended that bloated, toothless gasbag Chris Christie during Bridgegate — for FBI Director.

Because he fired the other one, remember?

And while anyone Trump calls "impeccable" in any capacity probably does horrifying shit like strangle prostitutes and refuse to use sunscreen, he's so sexy that I could totally look past the tangled pile of Forever 21-clad severed limbs hidden in his closet.

I mean, look at this guy:

I think I got pregnant just looking at his frat scoop and casually chiseled jaw line. Does anyone know what gym he goes to in D.C. so I can stage an encounter? I bet it's Equinox, he seems like he smells rich.

Ugh, he can totally afford those eucalyptus-scented towels.

Do you think PornHub is gonna put out any parody videos called something like "Russia Investi-gay-tions" or something, starring a Wray lookalike? Asking for friend.