Katy Perry is trying every gimmick in the book to promote her new album, and it’s majorly backfiring

Katy Perry is doing anything and everything to get press coverage right now. And like me sending a preemptive nude before a Tinder date, she’s looking a little desperate.

Katy’s latest album Witness was released last week and it’s a total flop, objectively speaking. Don’t believe me? Well just consult these brutal reviews. Katy is trying to stir up as much media attention as possible to try and make up for her rapidly declining relevance.

Here’s a list of all the ridiculous things Katy has done in her desperate attempt to keep her A-List status:

She won’t shut up about Taylor Swift

Three years ago when the Katy and Taylor drama began, Katy tried to take the “high road” by only making vague comments about karma to the press, but now three years later when everyone but Katy has moved on, she won’t stop talking about Taylor. It all began on Carpool Karaoke, when Katy told James Corden, “Now, there is the law of cause and effect. You do something, there’s going to be a reaction, and trust me daddy, there’s going to be a reaction.”

After calling James Corden daddy (wtf) she goes on to spew some bullshit about how women together, not divided, will heal the world. Then why Katy are you bringing up a division from three years ago?

Carpool Karaoke wasn’t enough though. Katy told NME that Taylor tried to “assassinate my character which was “messed up.”

Katy continues to play the victim by saying, “No one asked me about my side of the story, and there are three sides to every story: one, two and the truth.”

This is a blatant lie because people did ask for her story, but she never gave it until now, three years later when no one gives a fuck.

Now Katy apologizes to Taylor Swift in an apology that’s faker than the Louis Vuitton you bought on Canal Street

Katy must have realized her constant bashing of Taylor Swift was getting annoying and was only working in Taylor’s favor, because she apologized to Taylor and says she “loves her.”

Katy told The Thrive Global Podcast, “I forgive her and I”m sorry for anything I ever did, and I hope the same from her. I think it’s actually like, I think it’s time.”

Katy it’s been time. Why can’t you just be like Taylor, write a song about it and move on? Katy is like that friend who won’t stop talking about how much of an asshole her ex is.

“I love her, and I want the best for her,” Katy continued.  “I think that if we, both her and I, can be representatives of strong women that come together despite their differences, I think the whole world is going to go like ‘Yeah, well we can do this.'”

Yes Katy, you’re so right. If the world sees you and Taylor get over a feud about some back-up dancers they will definitely feel like they can conquer anything, because you overcame such unimaginable differences.

Katy discusses her past cultural appropriation

Katy has faced multiple accusations of cultural appropriation. Some as recent as this year when she shared a meme depicting a Hindu deity. Other incidents include Katy dressing as a geisha for a performance, and her performance on SNL with Migos. 

Katy said, ” I didn’t know that what I did was wrong until I heard people saying I did it wrong. And sometimes, that’s what it takes.”

Maybe Katy’s sentiments are genuine, but with everything else she’s doing to gain media attention it seems like a desperate attempt to appear woke.

Also, it’s understandable if she didn’t know what she was doing was wrong the first time, but after the second and third accusations of cultural appropriation one would think she would be more aware without people having to spell it out for her.

Katy ranked her old boyfriend’s performances in bed

Katy ranked her exes from best to worst in bed, while playing “Fill your guts or spill your guts” with James Corden instead of the alternative which was consuming a disgusting food item.

“They’re all amazing lovers and I would have sex with all of them after I get out of this place,”Katy said before she ranked them – John Mayer in first, Orlando Bloom in second and Diplo in third.

Katy had brunch with Joanne the Scammer

It seems as though the brunch was once again focused on Katy’s favorite enemy, Taylor Swift.

Joanne the Scammer posted this since deleted tweet.

Katy had a cook-off with Gordon Ramsay

During Katy’s Witness World Wide livestream Katy participated in a cooking competition with chef Gordon Ramsay.

Ramsay is uncharacteristically kind to Katy when he tastes her food, probably because he feels bad her album is such a flop.

Katy live-streamed her therapy session

It’s important for celebrities to discuss and stand up for important issues, like mental illness. We’re happy that Katy is opening up about her own struggles — as long as it’s not performative.

Exploiting her suicidal thoughts to sell albums is definitely not inspiring.

@TheTab