An American watches ‘Love Island’ for the first time, and has a LOT of questions

It’s me, the American. Look, I know I hail from what is basically a floating trash island tied together with tobacco and old Doritos Locos Tacos wrappers — and I lean into it. I think Flavor of Love should have won an Emmy, and am firm in my belief that Fireflies by Owl City is greater than the Beatles entire discography.

That said, I wanna know what the fuck is wrong with all of you.

This whole opening is exactly why y’all are no longer a global superpower

So I guess everyone just leaves their jobs to go scissor on an island? One guy stopped in the middle of giving some guy the Gay Icon haircut, a construction worker emerges from the ocean, and this girl, what? Left war to come to the island? This is why ISIS is winning — you guys keep driving the tanks out of Iran to do this.

Can someone please tell me what accent the narrator has?

Is he Werner Herzog? Is he deep-throating something while he goes on and on about the “shot at 50 grand?” Seriously, is this a British accent? Is he Dame Judy Dench? I begrudgingly admit the house looks nice, though. Looks like there will be lots of hot tub sperm babies made and later killed here.

Are these what you would call slags?

Yeah, girl power and wear whatever you want. But an underboob monokini? Love yourself. Also are these people supposed to be strangers? Because they’re doing the tit-to-tit embrace of a duo who have met somewhere before (maybe at a script read-through?) I have to be honest, I still don’t fully understand the plot because I couldn’t understand the narrator. All I know is that they’re on an island and they’re supposed to be in love. Or something.

What is Waitrose and why can’t students shop there? 

I wanna fight Montana and it’s only been 3 minutes. She seems like the kind of girl who would say stuff like “I’m not a bitch, I’m just honest.” Honestly, you’re a huge cunt. And what’s her deal with Waitrose? I’ve watched some Zoella videos and she goes there all the time. Is it rich food? Like Whole Foods?

Oh, I get it. Essex is like New Jersey

Where the trashy people live, right?

Why the fuck is Camilla even here?

She seems normal and smart and boring as fuck. I feel like she’s reading a math(s) textbook to me even when she’s talking about dating “famous” people. Who the hell would she have dated in Scotland? Braveheart?

No one has the cute accent you hear on TV

Why does everyone have that gruff, drill-through-the-ear stereotypical cockney accent? Nobody has a precious lil English lilt, it’s all so obnoxious. I’d rather be watching Skins.

Oh, it’s Harry Styles’ girlfriend!

I’m sorry that I only know Caroline (Carolina?) Flack in this context. Surprised by the age difference. She’s 1,000. Looks beautiful, but still 1,000.

My heart would fall out of my ass if I had to be judged in a row like this

I also now realize the plot of the show, and it’s really making we wish I had an American version. But what if it was the “if you fancy them, please step forward thing” and NO ONE DOES?! I would cry. I would start crying, turn around and run straight into the sea. Like, nobody picks Marcel and if I was him I would cry. And of course he picks Amber, she’s the prettiest. She could have totally been a One Direction girlfriend back in 2o12.

THE FIRST SNAKING OF THE SEASON

Marcel is left in the dust once again. “I feel a bit hurt by it,” he laughs, but you can tell he’s dying inside. Amber is super pretty, but she’s also wearing a puka shell necklace choker so I think he’s dodged a bullet.

But it is confusing to hear someone demand that their partner is tan when naming ideal qualities. In my incredibly humble opinion, Kem is the hottest but that’s not saying much. He kind of looks like an accordion that got scrunched down.

Jessica is a craaazy bitch just like me

Add that thong monokini and it’s lethal, omg. She’s gonna literally kill someone. Next week, we’re gonna see Dom facedown in the pool because Jessica pet his head too hard. She’d totally be exonerated for his murder, too. Why are her nipples so much higher than mine. What’s wrong with me? I wanna die.

Why is everyone so excited to sleep in a row like an orphanage?

Look at this picture from the Parisian orphanage in Madeline and tell me it doesn’t look like the Love Island bedchambers:

Were shitty tattoos part of the application requirements? 

Photo ID? Check. Standard level of fitness? Check. Nothing to do for a few weeks in the summer? Check. Tattoos that look like they were done in Michael J. Fox’s garage? Checkkkkkkk.

I’m confused by U.K. geography in its entirety 

How big are these little areas like Essex? Is it like a state? How many people live there? How does everyone know each other?

This is the kind of show that would have aired in the U.S. 10 years ago

We’re (mostly) out of this trashy phase of reality TV. And apparently you guys picked it up? Everything about Love Island, from its premise to its cast to their clothing and hairstyles and mannerisms are straight out of 2008.

So Marcel was a child star?

I don’t know what group he was in (and I definitely can’t understand what he’s saying), but he was a little bit famous? It looks like there were 34,000 kids in the group, so he couldn’t have been that famous unless he was the Justin Timberlake of the group. Is it like Menudo where they replace the members every few years?

Please put “I’m obviously the small spoon” on my resume

I’m Montana AF, despite the fact that I want to fight her. Similarly, I am my own greatest Stan but also my biggest hater.

W H A T   I S   A    P A R D O

An aside? A convo? A powwow? A meeting of the minds? Isn’t there one, slightly less grating euphamism Werner Herzog could use instead? Other things I don’t understand: Cracked on, blazing, cheeky.

Oh look, kissing set to piano music. 

Reminds me of the Jersey Shore Smush Room. #Memories.

Kem doing this with his tongue is an ACT OF VIOLENCE 

He should be immediately ejected, fined and jailed for this. I am…disgusted.

So like…are there any Real World/Road Rules Challenge-type adventures or is it just them sitting around rubbing lotion on each other and bitching? I am so tired already. Maybe it’s because, as an American, I’ve seen no fewer than two dozen episodes of virtually the exact same thing over the years.

The word FRUITY is scrawled on the wall

Does that mean something different in the UK? Here it only means two things, and one is a Victoria’s Secret Body Splash scent-descriptor.

The thong bathing suits are the only interesting part of this entire show

This was the least exciting reality TV show I’ve ever watched. In the States, people fist-fight within the first five minutes, someone falls off a stripper pole and, invariably, someone is too blacked out to make it to elimination. Where’s the tits popping out of bikini tops?? Where’s the blood?? Where’s the hair pulling?? Citizens (subjects?) of the U.K.: I am begging you. Get some spicer material. Watch Jersey Shore, Flavor/Rock/Chance of Love, any of the Real Housewives locales, the Real World, Big Brother, Little Women, fucking Breaking Amish. Literally anything. Kill each other, I’m begging you.

Reality TV is supposed to be a blood sport.