‘Only you hold the key to your vagina’: We questioned a sex therapist about weird shit you want to know but are too afraid to ask

Sex ed can only cover so much — especially if you’re in a red state. We asked registered sex therapist and two-time author Angela Skurtu the best, weirdest and most burning questions you’ve ever had about doing the deed.

How do you know when you’ve had an orgasm? I think I’ve orgasmed, but how can I be sure?

There are four stages to sex: desire, building arousal, plateau and orgasm. Plateau is when sex is feeling really good but you haven’t quite hit the peak. An orgasm is where you hit a peak in physical sensation: a euphoria that sends chills down your body, spine, skin and so forth. It can come in waves or be one intense peak followed by a crescendo of relaxation. The muscles inside the vagina will contract during orgasm and then release after you peak.

Why can some women orgasm from vaginal sex and others can’t? Is it the construction or mental or what?

There is a rule of thumb, quite literally. The thumb is approximately two and a half centimeters long. If your clitoris is two and a half centimeters or more away from the opening of the vagina, it is physically impossible to orgasm with penis in vagina intercourse. If it is less, it is possible to orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex. There are some women who have the physical ability to do so, but struggle to let go and get comfortable with their partner. Regardless of how your body is constructed, your relationship with your partner and your ability to let go with one another is a contributing factor to whether  or not a woman can orgasm.

What can you do during sex to help yourself orgasm consistently?

Always stimulate the clitoris after a good amount of foreplay (i.e. 20 minutes of massaging, kissing, cuddling, flirting and fun sexual mind games). You can only orgasm if your clitoris is stimulated. The G-spot is simply the back of the clitoris combined with the bladder and some vaginal nerve endings.

What sex positions can help you orgasm?

Woman on top can be helpful or any position that allows you to stimulate the clitoris at the same time digitally.

If you have never had an orgasm, how to do you learn to do so?

Masturbate! It’s good for you and teaches you what feels good. Only you hold the key to your vagina!

How is it possible to orgasm during your sleep?

Sex is a biological need. If you do not take time to either have sex or masturbate, the body will find biological ways to take care of its needs. You will find people who are intentionally being celibate (nuns, priests, masochists) will have wet dreams or orgasms in their sleep even well into adulthood. I have also had female clients who struggle to get orgasms during partner sex but will get orgasms in their sleep.

Why does my body cramp in the most random spots while having sex?

You are using your muscles. I playfully call it sexercise, because you’re getting a workout.

What sex toys are out there, and how do you choose what to buy? Why are they shaped like animals?

There is the bullet, the g-spot stimulator, basic vibrator, anal plugs, and multipurpose toys. They shape them funny to try and make them more approachable. Talk to the ladies that work there. They are usually very nice and have often tried the different toys. They offer solid advice.

@sierra_infinity