I lived a week like it was 2007 and it was so freaking ridonkulous
Abercrombie lewks galore
by Una Dabiero
2007. It was the best of times and the worst of times. Specifically, it was the worst of times for Britney Spears, who had her iconic head-shave that year and the best of times for basically everyone else. We got the iPhone and Miley Cyrus’ first world tour in the same year. Iconic.
I started thinking about my days dancing to Panic! at the Disco in the car and wearing Abercrombie & Fitch when I wondered, what would it be like to go back? And thanks to my illustrious career bringing you internet content , I was able to live what every 20-something wishes they could. I lived a week like it was 2007 and it was freaking ridonkulous.
I started every day during my 2007 week picking out an outfit that 7th grade me would approve of. Something that followed the latest trends — AKA anything Paris Hilton stepped out in. “Totally!” my inner middle-schooler screamed as I put leggings on under my jean skirt and parted my hair unnaturally to the left. Gott to have those bangs.
Sadly, I live in Brooklyn. So even my layered look isn’t adventurous enough to garner too much attention. But I got at least a few glances from teens who were embarrassed for my sad case of fashion blues. I paired my outfit with makeup that would’ve totally made John From Math Class notice me way back when. Heavy eyeliner and popping lipgloss? Cool!
I stopped at a Starbucks that first morning to get a nice frap with whip — the *IT* drink before we all realized not only that Starbucks is a corporate scam but that approximately five fraps will give you diabetes basically forever.
I snapped a picture to edit with Picmonkey and make my new FB prof pic for the week. My friends loved it, obvs:
They gave me lots of awesome options for my week-long music challenge — don’t listen to anything produced post-2007. Bye-bye to my pop music obsession.
I also took my first day of the challenge to do something my mom never let me do: make a Myspace profile. With a top 8 and everything. I realized swiftly I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, but I tried really hard to make a cool profile.
I had mixed feelings about this MySpace thing. First, I couldn’t make a Top 8 because no one has MySpace now, so that was disappointing. I felt like the kid sitting alone in the cafeteria. But at the same time, never did I feel so much joy for my inner Middle Schooler. I finally made a profile picture. And of course I made an Aly & AJ mix.
On Day 2, I wore an outfit that weirdly could be in style in both 2007 and 2017 : a halter top with jean shorts and running shoes. Nothing special, especially considering I stood next to a woman on the subway who was wearing a literal clown costume.
To make up for the lack of attention I was able to soak up on the train, I decided to get into more 2007 online shenanigans. I set a “truthh is” status to let my friends know I was online.
And of course I had a blast telling everyone what I REALLY thought of them.
I also started to incorporate some 2007 vernacular into my messages.
Fugly was iconic, don’t lie.
Day 3’s outfit again was also strangely in style: a spaghetti strap tank with little ruffles on the bottom and jean shorts. I parted my hair unnaturally to the side again and begged my co-workers to snap some Photo Booth pics with me, just like Taylor Swift used to do!
Begrudgingly, I finally got someone to take some comic strip pics with me.
Then I went off on my own to explore the super cool ~effects.~
I also made my boyfriend log into AIM so we could talk with more authenticity during my 2007 week. At first he was child-blocked, so his mom was alerted via email that he was adding me as a friend. Kinky, I guess?
During Day 4, I really took a deep dive into 2007 fashion. I wore a full velour tracksuit in hot pink. Of course, I paired this look with a low ponytail, eyeliner, and a duck face.
I got lots of strange looks on the train. That could’ve been because of my clothes or it could’ve been because I was wearing pants and long-sleeves in 85 degree weather. Honestly, Juicy is coming back so I’m guessing the latter. My co-workers loved the 2007 suit and the other interns spent at least an hour laughing at me.
Exhausted from the emotional energy I expended wearing such a strange outfit, the only other 2007 activity I got into that day was a fun tag-your-friends photo on Facebook. My friend Caroline was upset I labeled her the biggest flirt, but we all know it’s true!
Day 5 was the end of my work week and my 2007 adventure. I saved my fishnet tights and blue eyeshadow for the last day, so basically you could say I was ~rOcKiNg It~.
The only thing more fun than decimating my face was playing Neopets — you know because it was Friday and I had time to fuck around. There’s two things you need to remember about Neopets. First, it educated an entire generation about HTML. Second, it was way harder to navigate than we all remember. So many drop-down menus.
I named my character after my co-worker, because she loves Neopets. Hunger: bloated.
Of course I had to play some tile games.
And the game where you herd the cute sheep.
And I tried to buy my little pet a stuffed animal, but the map of Neopia was fucked up. So basically, it was like trying to play anything with dial-up, an authentic throwback feel.
I’m sad to say that a few weeks later, AmandaRoss2 isn’t doing so hot. Just like all of our Nintendogs.
There are definitely great things to miss about 2007. Barack Obama was about to be our President, vegans were a new breed, you could say “lylas” non-ironically, and Lindsay Lohan was still the ~it~ girl. And I learned quite a few things from my week as a citizen of 2017 in 2007.
First, we really don’t use Facebook to its fullest ability anymore. That’s like, probably a good thing since we don’t all want to be like that girl from High School who stayed at home and uses Facebook as the diary of her waiting shifts. But still, I kind of miss Facebook statuses?
I also realized during this week how much I appreciate pop in the post 2010-era. Pop music in 2007 was so… sexual? I felt like I was in the club 24/7 while streaming Britney and Fergie. While I appreciate a good hoe throwback, I don’t necessarily miss listening to bubbly, early-autotune music everyday.
Maybe the most important thing I learned from this very important and in-depth thought experiment was how dependent I am on my phone. I started the week attempting to not use data and I had called it quits about 3 hours into Day 1. I need to read my Twitter feed while I walk to coffee, sorry!
But seriously, smart phones are so engrained into our culture in ways that I’m sure even Paris Hilton with the first iPhone couldn’t predict. Like, I’m sure Kim Kardashian had no idea she would one day carry around a phone and send Snapchat videos to the whole world.
I guess even in this shithole of a year, we have a few things to be thankful for.
I’m thankful to be connected to my friends, family, and news in a new way through Social Media that didn’t exist in the same way back then. I’m thankful for our modern TV and music renaissance. And I’m thankful that we all finally agree that eyeliner shouldn’t go around the entire eye.
DO YOU EVEN REALIZE IT’S FUCKING HALLOWEEN ?!
Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky scary
by Amanda Ross and Una Dabiero
Shut up. Yes, you. Shut your mouth and listen to me. Did it even occur to you that while you were going about your ordinary life this week, it became Halloween? Do you realize that we are, right now at this moment in time, living within Halloween? So it’s August. To some, it’s still summer. These…people…
I’ve never seen anything so glorious as all the trolling ‘Curvy Wife’ guy is getting online
‘Under socialism, we will each be apportioned a curvy wife’
by Amanda Ross
Earlier this week, the Internet was graced by a new hero. No, it wasn’t a cat who could play the piano — it was someone much better: a man who, against all odds, managed to love his curvy wife. I know, I know. His struggle is an inspiration. You’re thinking to yourself, who could ever be…
You actually spend way less time on Instagram each day than you thought
*Logs back on*
by Caroline Phinney
“Rise and Instagram,” as they always say. Just me? Cool. There’s nothing better than arriving late to work because you’ve pushed your morning shower back in order to spend a few extra minutes lying in bed and living vicariously through the online lives of people you may or may not actually know. And then there’s…