Someone reimagined fast food mascots as sexy men and I’m ready for death to take me
I can never face my family again
by Amanda Ross
I know I throw around “I’m ready for the Lord to take me” a lot, but I don’t think I’ve ever truly meant it until now. The skies weep. The earth is crumbling. The Hamburgler is hot.
A Filipino illustrator known only as Ozumii Wizard decided they wanted me to have weird feelings on this otherwise-ok Wednesday, digitally rendering iconic fast food mascots as sexy anime figures. Here we go, I guess:
He kind of looks like Archie from Riverdale except Archie doesn’t conjure memories of being trapped in the McDonalds PlayPlace ball pit, the darkest chasm where no one can hear you scream. Here’s a…dark? version of him, I guess:
This is more in-tune with what you’d imagine for a clown whose greatest wish is to stuff your child with burgers and chicken nuggets shaped like cowboy boots in 90s western-themed fast food restaurant where time stands still. Y’know, evil.
Sorry, he’s hot. Look at his chain. Choke me with it, Daddy Hamburglar. I like bad boys, so a dude who runs around robbing restaurants is kind of sexy. I could be his chicken nugget Bonnie. The question that haunts me: does he steal money, or just burgers? I’m fine with either.
KFC’s Colonel Sanders
Colonel “Too Drunk To Taste This Chicken” Sanders has Evil Daddy vibes leaping off the screen. His what-are-surely-Warby-Parker glasses, bolo tie and malevolent stare are hot and totally distract you from the back that he’s in what’s basically plantation attire, from Kentucky, probably racist, and personally responsible for the KFC Double-Down. You know, that chicken sandwich that used other pieces of fried chicken for the bread?
Anyway, here’s something you’ll have to explain to your therapist:
My favorite part is that his low-slung boxer-briefs are Kentucky Fried Chicken-brand. In real life, you know they’d be Andrew Christian.
I didn’t know Arby was a person so much as vaguely western identity because of the giant hat logo, but life is about learning from your mistakes, I guess. He’s the kind of dude to make Mac DeMarco playlists and breadcrumb you ’til you finally learn your self-worth through a combination of rock-bottom realizations, talk therapy, and psychotropic drugs.
Burger King is your friend’s hot dad who you always kind of got a vague vibe from and you’d totally go for if it wasn’t a) a total friendship-ruiner, b) horrifically creepy, c) the most cliche porn storyline of all time. Look at how his medallion glints in the afternoon sun. Look at his gilded rings and fine robes. Look at the way he taunts the McDonalds clown even though McDonalds fries are way better. Confidence!
You can tell Wendy is a total Manic Pixie Dream Mascot by the way she whimsically giggles into her palm. Look at her bag on McDonalds:
That’s the flirty banter of two people who have definitely fucked.
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