‘Hatfish’ is why you gotta take guys swimming on a first date
Call Nev and Max, I won’t be scammed again
by Amanda Ross
I don't know if you've ever done this thing called "going online" but it's basically the wild, wild west but with porn. Like, so much porn.
If you're a woman online, especially a Woman Who Wears Makeup Online, men are just bound to comment on your appearance at some point.
A good first date is to take a girl swimming to see what they look like without makeup 😉 thank me later
— Sex God Retina (@GGRetina) July 4, 2017
It's one of life's three inevitabilities, right there with death and taxes. Dudes will take any opportunity to call girls catfish: using Snapchat filters, popping a knee out during group photos, wearing mascara.
that moment you take your girl out to swimming for the first date to see her with out make up but she got that waterproof makeup
— Michael Corpuz (@scmichaelcorpuz) July 17, 2017
Guys think we're all in some secret girl council 24/7 trying to figure out how to scam them into letting us suck their dicks. I know, I know.
If you ever wanna know what a girl looks like without makeup take her swimming on the first date
— J. Cartier (@JustinCarter314) June 16, 2017
But what if I told you there were a whole host of scams out there men are trying to run to trick us? What would you say? You'd probably say "no shit" because you're not a guy and therefore inherently more observant and impervious to online shenanigans.
There is one deception that reigns supreme over all others, though:
You've seen the Hatfish lots of places. The gym, your TL, and their natural habitat, Tinder. You swipe through the pics. He's so cute! Until you do the ultimate scammer scan move of looking at his tagged photos.
And there you see it: He needs some damn hair.
Maybe he's a sexy bald dude like The Rock. Maybe he looks like Scott Adsit from 30 Rock:
Maybe he has a head of hair so thiccc and lustrous, it's like a shag carpet from the 70s (in the sense that it's fluffy and you wanna sit on it).
But the point is, you'll never know. Because they're deliberately hiding it under a hat. And we all know hair can totally alter a persons' attractiveness.
Where guys do (or should) know that we don't actually have smoky bronze eyelids naturally, we have no way of knowing what the hell is happening under that hat.
So apparently this is called a Hatfish 💀💀 pic.twitter.com/N1nyinN5tu
— Karabo Motsoane (@Tswana_Guy3) June 1, 2017
Nothing sucks more than realizing you've been hatfish'd. I once went out with a cute guy only to find out at the very end of the date that I had been conned. He stood up from the barstool and removed his hat to reveal we were exactly the same height (I'm 5'1" so that was an…impressive feat) and hair patchier than cell service in the Grand Canyon.
And it wasn't his totally different appearance that out me off (OK, fine, it was also that) but it was the lie! Be up front and everything will be cool.
Next time I see some dude wearing a hat on Tinder, I refuse to be scammed. I'll swipe left just to be safe. Unless I'm having a low self-esteem day in which case anything goes.
A small collection of the times male authors had absolutely no idea how to write about women
Guys, it’s not that hard
by Roisin Lanigan
You know when you’re a kid and the teachers split you up and take the girls into one room to teach you about periods and how your ~body will change~, and they take the boys into another room and you come back together all shifty and giggly about it afterwards? OK, well, I have a…
The funniest, most pure memes about Lana Del Rey’s new album release
Take off, take off, take off all your clothes
by Amanda Ross
At last, Mother has blessed us with a new offering. Lana Del Rey dropped Lust For Life yesterday, and if you haven’t listened to it, you’re a) homophobic, and b) an actual moron. It’s already lauded as Lana’s greatest work yet, filled with dreamy vocals, new collabs with music legends, and enough sad-slash-dreamy captions to…
Aaron Carter crying about IPAs is all of us on dates with ‘indie’ guys
Please don’t make me drink this pisswater
by Una Dabiero
Saturday, Aaron Carter was arrested in Georgia for reckless driving. So last night, he went on Entertainment Tonight to clear his name. How? By tearfully telling everyone that he doesn’t drink liquor or IPAs. In one sentence, Aaron Carter managed to be the most relatable star of all time. He somehow encapsulated the fear and…