‘Hatfish’ is why you gotta take guys swimming on a first date

I don't know if you've ever done this thing called "going online" but it's basically the wild, wild west but with porn. Like, so much porn.

If you're a woman online, especially a Woman Who Wears Makeup Online, men are just bound to comment on your appearance at some point.

It's one of life's three inevitabilities, right there with death and taxes. Dudes will take any opportunity to call girls catfish: using Snapchat filters, popping a knee out during group photos, wearing mascara.

Guys think we're all in some secret girl council 24/7 trying to figure out how to scam them into letting us suck their dicks. I know, I know.

But what if I told you there were a whole host of scams out there men are trying to run to trick us? What would you say? You'd probably say "no shit" because you're not a guy and therefore inherently more observant and impervious to online shenanigans.

There is one deception that reigns supreme over all others, though:

The Hatfish.

You've seen the Hatfish lots of places. The gym, your TL, and their natural habitat, Tinder. You swipe through the pics. He's so cute! Until you do the ultimate scammer scan move of looking at his tagged photos.

And there you see it: He needs some damn hair.

Maybe he's a sexy bald dude like The Rock. Maybe he looks like Scott Adsit from 30 Rock:

Maybe he has a head of hair so thiccc and lustrous, it's like a shag carpet from the 70s (in the sense that it's fluffy and you wanna sit on it).

But the point is, you'll never know. Because they're deliberately hiding it under a hat. And we all know hair can totally alter a persons' attractiveness.

Where guys do (or should) know that we don't actually have smoky bronze eyelids naturally, we have no way of knowing what the hell is happening under that hat.

Nothing sucks more than realizing you've been hatfish'd. I once went out with a cute guy only to find out at the very end of the date that I had been conned. He stood up from the barstool and removed his hat to reveal we were exactly the same height (I'm 5'1" so that was an…impressive feat) and hair patchier than cell service in the Grand Canyon.

And it wasn't his totally different appearance that out me off (OK, fine, it was also that) but it was the lie! Be up front and everything will be cool.

Next time I see some dude wearing a hat on Tinder, I refuse to be scammed. I'll swipe left just to be safe. Unless I'm having a low self-esteem day in which case anything goes.