This man’s strange eclipse sexual fantasy will have you locking your doors on August 21st
‘You must like cats. Drugs are OK.’
by Una Dabiero
In case you failed astronomy like I did, you should know there's a total solar eclipse hitting the US on August 21st. It will be visible from a 70 mile-wide path that stretches from Oregon to South Carolina.
Most of us probably think "cool!" when we hear about this astronomical miracle, but Twitter has found one maniac who thought "what a perfect time to fucc the Craigslist lady of my dreams."
Let's break down this nightmare fodder a bit, in case you need more detail for your psychiatrist next time they ask you why you think the world is ending.
"I am 40 years of age, caucasian male from Europe. My heritage is strong and pure. My looks, instincts, knowledge and strength is 100% pure and 100% lethal."
First off, this dude is definitely 100% a white nationalist and therefore should have his penis cut off. Facts. End of story. And something tells me if he had "100% lethal" looks and strength, he wouldn't be looking for a fuckbuddy on Craigslist.
But what's maybe more concerning than his pride in being "pure" is his obsession with making babies with a complete stranger under the eclipsing sun.
"I am looking for a worthy female with strong genes, beauty and smarts. To join me – to experience the totality eclipse in Oregon."
He says he will treat his online lady to "simultaneous orgasms" and they will "conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution," because, like, science.
He says the trick is him and his penis will be "directed toward the sun" and their "cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets."
"In a brief moment of ecstasy, we will understand everything, and together, create a new universe. Full of love…"
His only requirement for the lady he plans to knock up? She has to like cats and be willing to do some rad drugs in the forest.
Sure, this guy sounds fucking insane, but don't pretend you haven't had some stoner boyfriend who acted like this. You bought a record player to impress him, didn't you?
Just be glad you didn't let him cum in you during an eclipse because honestly, then you would've been stuck with him.
Someone started a hate campaign against Millie Bobby Brown and it’s filled with horrible tweets
by Katie Way
A trending hashtag right now, #TakeDownMillieBobbyBrown, is full of photoshopped tweets and presumably falsified accounts designed to make the Stranger Things darling look like a homophobic edgelord and it's incredibly fucked up. The words and pictures that Millie stands "accused" of posting are nowhere to be seen on her actual Twitter account, nor is there…
Everyone you’ll inevitably run into when you go home for Thanksgiving
Your hometown’s greatest hits
by Katie Way
Thanksgiving is a relatively simple holiday, especially if you toss aside all of the weird, shaky historical context. Basically, you go home and eat a long, early dinner with your family members and then watch football instead of the Godfather marathon that's on AMC every year. But since that straightforward premise brings everybody home at…
This girl just invented the most genius way to sneak snacks into the movies, and I’m truly in awe of her intellect
Thomas Edison could never
by Katie Way
I've said it before and I'll say it again: women are smarter than men. And now, thanks to Twitter user @AngelaBrisk, next time I say that and some dude tries to challenge me I'll have definitive proof that I'm right. If you've ever tried to bring outside food into a movie theater, you know that…