This man’s strange eclipse sexual fantasy will have you locking your doors on August 21st
‘You must like cats. Drugs are OK.’
by Una Dabiero
In case you failed astronomy like I did, you should know there's a total solar eclipse hitting the US on August 21st. It will be visible from a 70 mile-wide path that stretches from Oregon to South Carolina.
Most of us probably think "cool!" when we hear about this astronomical miracle, but Twitter has found one maniac who thought "what a perfect time to fucc the Craigslist lady of my dreams."
Let's break down this nightmare fodder a bit, in case you need more detail for your psychiatrist next time they ask you why you think the world is ending.
"I am 40 years of age, caucasian male from Europe. My heritage is strong and pure. My looks, instincts, knowledge and strength is 100% pure and 100% lethal."
First off, this dude is definitely 100% a white nationalist and therefore should have his penis cut off. Facts. End of story. And something tells me if he had "100% lethal" looks and strength, he wouldn't be looking for a fuckbuddy on Craigslist.
But what's maybe more concerning than his pride in being "pure" is his obsession with making babies with a complete stranger under the eclipsing sun.
"I am looking for a worthy female with strong genes, beauty and smarts. To join me – to experience the totality eclipse in Oregon."
He says he will treat his online lady to "simultaneous orgasms" and they will "conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution," because, like, science.
He says the trick is him and his penis will be "directed toward the sun" and their "cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets."
"In a brief moment of ecstasy, we will understand everything, and together, create a new universe. Full of love…"
His only requirement for the lady he plans to knock up? She has to like cats and be willing to do some rad drugs in the forest.
Sure, this guy sounds fucking insane, but don't pretend you haven't had some stoner boyfriend who acted like this. You bought a record player to impress him, didn't you?
Just be glad you didn't let him cum in you during an eclipse because honestly, then you would've been stuck with him.
QUIZ: Answer these texts and we’ll define the relationship for you
A message says a thousand words
by Caroline Phinney
Nothing says "exclusive" like the way you drunk text each other on a night out, and if I'm wrong then I certainly don't want to be right. As much as we'd like to think we'd just ask, we both know we won't. So answer these texts instead and we'll define the relationship for you.
Fans think Kylie’s due date is the same as her makeup release date and I’ll believe anything at this point
Hungry for the drama
by Caroline Phinney
With the only Jenner we care about MIA, there have been a lot of theories circulating about whether she's already given birth, whether she's hiding because it's not Scott's or whether she's just giving the baby to Khloé after all. We miss the drama! Can you blame us? And while almost all of these theories…
Myspace-style photos are invading your Instagram, and there’s no stopping them. Here’s how to get the look
Bring on the 3D effects and stickers
by Una Dabiero
They say history repeats itself. And apparently the social media has been around long enough that internet history repeats itself. If you've had this weird, deja-vu-type-feeling while scrolling through Instagram recently, its because you really have seen the latest fad before.MySpace-style photos are trendy again. You heard me right. Stickers, effects, borders. We're going back…