10 hot fashion trends I hope come back before we all inevitably perish in Trump’s Nazi nuclear winter

If 2016 was the year of realizing things, then 2017 is a brand new world, a strange exciting landscape where anything can happen. In January, when the year was new and we were young and naive, I thought that might be like, talking robots that don’t kill themselves in despair at the human condition or the cure for terminal illnesses. Turns out though, it’s probably gonna be nuclear war and the return of Nazism.

So we may as well wear what we want while we wait for the inevitable end of days.

1. Leopard print tights

There’s something inherently riot grrrl about leopard print tights, which had a minor phase in the regrettable 00s (the tights, not the music). I wore them several times without washes while listening to Kathleen Hanna and writing angry LiveJournal posts, but they would look just as good as you stand, listening to the same angry music, surrounded by apoplectic, mentally challenged Nazis, welcoming the atomic bomb from North Korea that will flatten us all.

2. Velour tracksuits

If I can’t die in a stretchy baby pink Juicy Couture tracksuit then what is the fucking point?

3. Popcorn shirts

Popcorn shirts were those tiny little shirts you got at a kiosk at the mall that became big and weirdly see-through. So they’re both like, chic, and you could ball them up really small and put them in your bag if you needed to flee a violent mob or dangerous radiation levels super fast.

4. Studded belts

THEN: You needed this – needed it mom!! – to sling pointlessly around your upper thighs so you fitted into your new scene aesthetic.

NOW: Take it off and use it to give whiplash to a virgin carrying a tiki torch.

5. New Rocks

At 13, surely every person has a phase where everyone has New Rocks and a Vampire Freaks profile. Right? When everyone looked fully ready to go into a Walking Dead post-apocalyptic world. I miss it. Imagine kicking a white supremacist in the head while wearing these, y’anno?

Photo: www.CGPGrey.com

6. Those pointy stiletto-heeled Timbaland boots

Probably wouldn’t be good for traveling across the country Grapes of Wrath style seeking shelter from the cannibalistic, radioactive wasteland the United States have become, sure, I can admit that. But they look great.

7. Cargo pants

Guys, so many pockets. We had so many pockets and we didn’t even appreciate them. Think of all the useful things you could store in those pockets now. What the fuck why did we let cargo pants go out of fashion I hate us.

8. Dumb little jewels you wore on your teeth

The “you can’t tell me nothin’’ feeling you got flashing a smile with one of these bad boys on your teeth could not be beaten (even if you accidentally swallowed it five minutes later every time). Amend the trend by wearing one on every tooth and using them to blind my enemies in warfare when I tilt my head correctly at the sun.

9. Jelly bracelets

If “millennials suck!!” headlines bother you now, spare a thought for the preteens of the early 00s, whose jelly bracelets inspired a media panic about how they represented how sexually experienced you were (your mom was terrified). I always thought they were just fun colorful accessories, but I was an ugly preteen and nobody was trying to coax me into giving them bad, inexperienced handjobs, so I’ll never know.

In 2017 though, they could take on deeper significance. A new code. Like, a green bracelet means you don’t fuck nazis, or a cute hot pink one means you’re not buying Paris Hilton’s post-Trump meme bullshit.

10. Heelys

No apocalyptic reason really, Heelys are just sick.

@rosielanners