Things girls say ‘no worries!’ to but are actually super worried about

It's actually a huge fucking worry and now you have upended my entire life by making me pretend to be this super chill girl when I'm not.

When you ask him to hang out and he tells you can't, he's busy

"Lol okay! No worries, Chad!" Are you actually busy though or just avoiding me? Did I do something wrong? Should I have responded to his Snapchat? Fuck. Maybe I shouldn't have texted him back yesterday. Maybe I'll just look through his tagged IG photos to make sure he's actually busy tonight and not with another girl.

When your waxer doesn't manage to get it all

It's fine it's not like I'm going to Mexico for a week. I guess I'll just be fucking Sasquatch.

When someone is running late

Totally cool, Chelsea, it's not like we said 6 p.m. on the dot. It's fine, no worries, but now the restaurant won't seat us until the whole party is here. I'll just stand here like a fucking loser.

When the gyno says you're going to feel a little pressure

OW! Holy shit! What are you sticking up there? Is that going to leave permanent damage? Will that thing, like, make the ~hole~ wider? Will this cramping feeling ever go away? What if it doesn't go away?

When he's all the way down your throat and you're gagging and tearing up and he's like, "You good?"

Yeah, I'm totally fine Dave, not like my airways are cut off and I'm struggling to breathe or anything.

When you ask someone for gum but they say it's their last piece and don't give it to you

Okay but if you really needed it right now you'd use it. I just ate Chipotle can't you throw me a fucking bone? I'll remember this, Brian.

When someone asks me for gum and it's my last piece and I give it to you

I'm a huge pussy, I know.

When the stylist doesn't give you the color you asked for

Okay, so I'm more orange than blonde. I don't want to insult them by saying I hate it. How am I supposed to go in public like this? What do I DO? Maybe it looks good though, right? It's like a look?

When the condom breaks

Totally fine, I'll just take Plan B and spend the next 20 days stressed out that I'm pregnant.

When your friends go out without you because they thought you were busy

Fuck you guys.

When your boss asks you to stay late

It's not like you had plans. It's not like you work your ass off all day every day and now have to stay late on a Monday when they know the Bachelor is on. What if your friends have already eaten the good cheese by the time you get there?

When someone doesn't Venmo you back right away

No worries, Maggie, it's not like I have bills to pay or anything.

When someone takes a chair you're not using from your table

I know I wasn't using it but I've become attached to it. That's where my other personalities sit. And the chair made it look like I was waiting for someone.

When the bartender tells you "just a sec" and it takes 1,000 years

One Mississippi. There. It's been a sec. I'm thirsty, binch, just get me a vodka tonic so I can go stand in the corner near that cute guy and then pretend to bump into him as soon as my drink is low.

When you ask someone to pick you up food and they forget

I guess I'll just go to bed hungry. Who needs food anyway?

When the Uber driver does anything

AC too high? Weird music? No AC? You'd rather die than bother them. You need a good rating.

When you're with a big group and get up to go to the bathroom only to come back with your seat taken by someone else who asks "Oh, were you sitting here? :)"

No worries I'll just move to the shit spot across the table. You be comfy.

When you let someone borrow something and they return it stained or shrunk

It's fine, I'm sure this tomato sauce will come out. Maybe if I lose 20 pounds this now Youth XL sized shirt will fit me.

When you go to sit in a subway seat but someone else gets to it first

All good, not like I'm wearing heels or anything. You take it, you seem like you need it more.

When the salad place is out of the only ingredient you actually cared about

The whole point of me getting this exact salad was so I could forget that it's a salad and not a fucking cheeseburger. You think I actually want ~healthy~ ingredients?

When someone posts a really ugly photo of you

You couldn't have used the one where we all looked good?

When he tells you he likes you but he's busy and doesn't want a girlfriend

No worries! Guess I'll die!

@jenniferficarra