Your fall dreams are bullshit: We both know you’re not going apple picking

Normally I'd start this with a cutesy intro about pumpkin patches and hay rides and haunted houses. But I'm too tired to do even that. Let's cut the bullshit: You're not going to do any of it.

Every year, we excitedly think about fall and all the cute-ass, Insta-worthy autumnal activities you'll do while wrapped in that big plaid Zara scarf-horse blanket. And every year, winter rolls around and all we've done is gained 5 pounds from drinking Pumpkin Spice Lattes, eating apple cider doughnuts, and Pillsbury Halloween cookies. You know, the ones with the little pictures on them?

We all know that you're single, and that if you're not going apple picking with a boy you scammed into taking a Friday off work then you're probably not going apple picking at all. Your friends might be down to clown with a pumpkin patch but then you all realize that your apartments are tiny as shit, pumpkins rot, and it's a lot of effort to carve and decorate a pumpkin when you can just buy one already done from Whole Foods.

Look, I'm not trying to kill your dreams of a magical fall straight out of a scrapped Gilmore Girls script.

I'm just trying to get you to realize that you, like me, are a lazy fall demon and you need to come up with another "perfect Insta" because the plandid of you in the hat and the boots playing in a pile of leaves isn't going to happen.

This is what you wish your fall will look like:

This is actually what your fall will look like:

Stop playing. You're gonna be snuggled in blankets watching Practical Magic on a loop while drinking store-bought apple cider.

Your fall dreams are nice, but they're bullshit.

@jenniferficarra