Your fall dreams are bullshit: We both know you’re not going apple picking
Who are you kidding?
by Jenn Ficarra
Normally I'd start this with a cutesy intro about pumpkin patches and hay rides and haunted houses. But I'm too tired to do even that. Let's cut the bullshit: You're not going to do any of it.
Seriously can't wait for sweater weather, pumpkin carving, haunted houses, corn mazes, scary movies, apple picking… FALL 👻🎃🍁🍃💛
— amanda (@amanda_c_rae) August 28, 2017
Every year, we excitedly think about fall and all the cute-ass, Insta-worthy autumnal activities you'll do while wrapped in that big plaid Zara scarf-horse blanket. And every year, winter rolls around and all we've done is gained 5 pounds from drinking Pumpkin Spice Lattes, eating apple cider doughnuts, and Pillsbury Halloween cookies. You know, the ones with the little pictures on them?
i love summer but i'm soooo excited for sweaters, tall boots, pumpkin spice everything, scary movies, apple picking and sooo much more🍂🌾❤️🎃
— ana🌻 (@AnaAndreeva01) August 26, 2017
We all know that you're single, and that if you're not going apple picking with a boy you scammed into taking a Friday off work then you're probably not going apple picking at all. Your friends might be down to clown with a pumpkin patch but then you all realize that your apartments are tiny as shit, pumpkins rot, and it's a lot of effort to carve and decorate a pumpkin when you can just buy one already done from Whole Foods.
Look, I'm not trying to kill your dreams of a magical fall straight out of a scrapped Gilmore Girls script.
I'm just trying to get you to realize that you, like me, are a lazy fall demon and you need to come up with another "perfect Insta" because the plandid of you in the hat and the boots playing in a pile of leaves isn't going to happen.
This is what you wish your fall will look like:
This is actually what your fall will look like:
Stop playing. You're gonna be snuggled in blankets watching Practical Magic on a loop while drinking store-bought apple cider.
Your fall dreams are nice, but they're bullshit.
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