Your fall dreams are bullshit: We both know you’re not going apple picking
Who are you kidding?
by Jenn Ficarra
Normally I'd start this with a cutesy intro about pumpkin patches and hay rides and haunted houses. But I'm too tired to do even that. Let's cut the bullshit: You're not going to do any of it.
Seriously can't wait for sweater weather, pumpkin carving, haunted houses, corn mazes, scary movies, apple picking… FALL 👻🎃🍁🍃💛
— amanda (@amanda_c_rae) August 28, 2017
Every year, we excitedly think about fall and all the cute-ass, Insta-worthy autumnal activities you'll do while wrapped in that big plaid Zara scarf-horse blanket. And every year, winter rolls around and all we've done is gained 5 pounds from drinking Pumpkin Spice Lattes, eating apple cider doughnuts, and Pillsbury Halloween cookies. You know, the ones with the little pictures on them?
i love summer but i'm soooo excited for sweaters, tall boots, pumpkin spice everything, scary movies, apple picking and sooo much more🍂🌾❤️🎃
— ana🌻 (@AnaAndreeva01) August 26, 2017
We all know that you're single, and that if you're not going apple picking with a boy you scammed into taking a Friday off work then you're probably not going apple picking at all. Your friends might be down to clown with a pumpkin patch but then you all realize that your apartments are tiny as shit, pumpkins rot, and it's a lot of effort to carve and decorate a pumpkin when you can just buy one already done from Whole Foods.
Look, I'm not trying to kill your dreams of a magical fall straight out of a scrapped Gilmore Girls script.
I'm just trying to get you to realize that you, like me, are a lazy fall demon and you need to come up with another "perfect Insta" because the plandid of you in the hat and the boots playing in a pile of leaves isn't going to happen.
This is what you wish your fall will look like:
This is actually what your fall will look like:
Stop playing. You're gonna be snuggled in blankets watching Practical Magic on a loop while drinking store-bought apple cider.
Your fall dreams are nice, but they're bullshit.
When you break up with someone, you should immediately just pretend they’re dead. Here’s why
Like, literally dead
by Una Dabiero
Break-ups are the worst. There's really not much more for me to say about them that hasn't already been explored in a Nicholas Sparks novel or a Cosmo essay. But I have found a way to make break-ups, and even that awkward transitionary period where you feel like your entire life is a failure, a…
Creeps who call the Florida high school shooter a ‘saint’ are now bragging about stalking girls
One user said he wanted to make girls ‘feel afraid’
by Harry Shukman
Guys on a site called incels.me, which advocates for rape and torture, are now bragging about stalking teenage girls at night.In a post that has gone viral, a user named Classic_Jarvis describes the thrill he felt when stalking a frightened girl.He says he approached her to ask for directions and her name. "She became afraid…
We asked girls to tell us their very first hoe stories’ and the shit they told us was wiiiild
‘All I did was sext in skeezy Yahoo! chatrooms’
by Caroline Phinney
Now that it's 2018 and we're all grown up and glowed up, of course we have wild hoeing stories. I mean, shit, who knew President's Day weekend could be so crazy? But a hoe doesn't just wake up a hoe one day. We begin learning at a young age, and we all have a first…