Your fall dreams are bullshit: We both know you’re not going apple picking
Who are you kidding?
by Jenn Ficarra
Normally I'd start this with a cutesy intro about pumpkin patches and hay rides and haunted houses. But I'm too tired to do even that. Let's cut the bullshit: You're not going to do any of it.
Seriously can't wait for sweater weather, pumpkin carving, haunted houses, corn mazes, scary movies, apple picking… FALL 👻🎃🍁🍃💛
— amanda (@amanda_c_rae) August 28, 2017
Every year, we excitedly think about fall and all the cute-ass, Insta-worthy autumnal activities you'll do while wrapped in that big plaid Zara scarf-horse blanket. And every year, winter rolls around and all we've done is gained 5 pounds from drinking Pumpkin Spice Lattes, eating apple cider doughnuts, and Pillsbury Halloween cookies. You know, the ones with the little pictures on them?
i love summer but i'm soooo excited for sweaters, tall boots, pumpkin spice everything, scary movies, apple picking and sooo much more🍂🌾❤️🎃
— ana🌻 (@AnaAndreeva01) August 26, 2017
We all know that you're single, and that if you're not going apple picking with a boy you scammed into taking a Friday off work then you're probably not going apple picking at all. Your friends might be down to clown with a pumpkin patch but then you all realize that your apartments are tiny as shit, pumpkins rot, and it's a lot of effort to carve and decorate a pumpkin when you can just buy one already done from Whole Foods.
Look, I'm not trying to kill your dreams of a magical fall straight out of a scrapped Gilmore Girls script.
I'm just trying to get you to realize that you, like me, are a lazy fall demon and you need to come up with another "perfect Insta" because the plandid of you in the hat and the boots playing in a pile of leaves isn't going to happen.
This is what you wish your fall will look like:
This is actually what your fall will look like:
Stop playing. You're gonna be snuggled in blankets watching Practical Magic on a loop while drinking store-bought apple cider.
Your fall dreams are nice, but they're bullshit.
Inside the world of grown men who identify as children and look for ‘Mommies’ online
We only ever talk about ‘daddy issues’
by Caroline Phinney
If you've found yourself scrolling through the soft-porn recesses of tumblr on a Friday night, you've probably clicked on one of the conglomerates of letters at the bottom of a post: What does "CGL" mean? Will it take me somewhere better than here? Like Twitter, tumblr has blocked countless NSFW search terms so users have…
Farmers, organs, and Beyoncé: Just a collection of The Odyssey’s worst-ever stories for your enjoyment
Is the internet… bad?
by Katie Way
There are a ton of outlets that let people publish their wild-ass opinions online, but few are as brazenly strange as the Odyssey Online, a platform aimed at democratizing content, a phrase which here means letting people spew their bile on a semi-legitimate platform in the name of… dismantling the mainstream media? Giving a voice…
‘Miserable bitch shaped like an apple’: This woman left a bad Yelp review and the owner attacked her over text
‘You’ve got a fucked up nose job’
by Caroline Phinney
Jessica Droppa, an esthetician in Manhattan, claims she was attacked via text this week after leaving a one star review on Yelp for a brow bar where she says she had an "abusive" experience.Droppa, who works in the beauty industry, was taken aback by her waxer, Victoria's, "bizarre behavior," calling it "borderline abusive" and urging…