Every type of guy you’ll be into at some point in your life
Tag yourself, I’m dating ‘The Daddy’
by Amanda Ross
Before we get into this, maybe cue up Charli XCX's "Boys" to listen to while you scroll through this article.
Done? Cool. So boys, huh? I know stereotyping is typically a bad thing (give me a break), sometimes it can be useful when it comes to classifying different dudes you either have dated, will date, and want to date. Or will never date you. Whatever.
So here they are, every type of guy you'll be into at some point in your life, with illustrations by Lucy Turnbull exclusively for babe:
The 'Bad' Boy
His catchphrase: "School doesn't measure intelligence, just obedience."
Where to find him: Loitering outside of 7/11s and your campus bars despite dropping out two years ago.
His go-to look: A leather jacket paired with a white shirt you originally thought was grey, but now you can see it's just stained.
Why you'll break up: He'll keep getting drunk and crying that he's troubled and "no good for you" even though his parents still pay his phone bill.
The Band Dude
His catchphrase: "I definitely prefer their earlier work."
Where to find him: Either at his bartending job, ignoring customers to make angsty, Joy Division-heavy Spotify playlists or arguing in the comments section of The Fader's Facebook posts.
His go-to look: A faded tee from a concert he attended in 2007, which he still excessively talks about. If you hear the term "life-changing" one more time, you'll kill you both.
Why you'll break up: Even though you kind of hate him, breaking up will always be his choice. You're a smart girl, but you've gotta stop acting like every musician you make is gonna "make it."
His catchphrase: "So on today's Fresh Air, Terry actually made the excellent point that…."
Where to find him: In your World Literature seminar, raising his hand every few minutes to pose a question that's really more of a comment that's really more of his repeating exactly what the professor said with different phrasing so everyone can see how smart he is.
His go-to look: Tweed blazers from H&M Men's and suspiciously well-structured jeans for a guy who says he doesn't care about clothes. His glasses may or may not be prescription, and he's always got the school paper (he's the editor) under his arm like it's the fucking Times.
Why you'll break up: You're tired of the 2008 recession being blamed for everything by a guy who claims he's too smart for grad school.
His catchphrase: "I've got the check, don't worry."
Where to find him: Teaching the aforementioned World Lit class, hanging around in bars with leather couches, or on the golf course wearing some kind of pastel polo.
His go-to look: Under-eye bags from working all night, crisp suits that cost more than your entire credit limit, loafers you've seen your dad wear.
Why you'll break up: He wants you to actually call him daddy.
The Funny One
His catchphrase: Just an endless stream of Superbad quotes.
Where to find him: Campus open mic nights, shitposting in Facebook meme groups, trying to troll on Twitter but getting owned instead, Tinder after you decided to try and go for a sensitive guy (it will not end well).
His go-to look: Really beat-up Converse All-Stars, ill-fitting graphic tees, and a thin layer of stubble where he's desperately trying to grow a beard.
Why you'll break up: You know that stereotype about comedians using humor do deal with serious inner darkness? True.
The Younger Guy
His catchphrase: "Oh my god, this is just like that one Vine with the lighter and can of hairspray, let me find it!"
Where to find him: Bringing his own 4Lokos to parties because he might or might not be able to get into a bar, watching and/or talking about "intellectual" cartoons like Rick & Morty and BoJack Horseman, at a Lil Yachty concert.
His go-to look: Bieber cut, (probably) fake Supreme gear, lots of athleisure, and occasionally, a nice shirt his mom bought him.
Why you'll break up: You're sick of him only emoting through memes and his instance that fingering is doing anything to make you cum.
The Finance Bro
His catchphrase: "Wanna see me shotgun this?"
Where to find him: Working an entry-level finance job but pretending he's a Wolf of Wall Street-style power player. At his fraternity's tailgate, even as an alum, throwing up in the beer trough. In your bed, always trying to stick it in your ass. Like, always.
His go-to look: The "My dad is gonna sure you" haircut (male cousin of the "I want to speak to the manager"). Khaki short/pants and Brooks Brothers button-downs you'll always steal to sleep in. So many pairs of Sperrys, and they all smell terrible.
Why you'll break up: He sings the n-word while rapping along to Kanye and sees no problem with it.
His catchphrase: "Her body, her choice!"
Where to find him: At the Women's March and your city's Pride events, but no other protests. Independent bookstores. Sufjan Stevens concerts. Talking too much in a Women's Studies seminar. Bike co-ops.
His go-to look: Soft t-shirts in non-threatening oatmeals and forrest greens, the same pair of jeans every day, Warby Parker glasses, a safety pin on his jacket lapel right next to a "I'm Still With Her!" button.
Why you'll break up: All he wants to do is go down on you. Doesn't understand that sometimes you just wanna suck a dick, and it's not some weird self-imposed patriarchal punishment.
The Sk8r Boi
His catchphrase: No words, just a low, stoned laugh. At everything.
Where to find him: Not necessarily the skatepark, but skate culture adjacent spots: the mall parking lot, the cheapest pizza place in town, your friend from high school's cousin's house party.
His go-to look: Shorts despite the weather and season, always paired with some kind of zip-up hoodie. Still on a checkerboard Vans kick, which you though died with My Chemical Romance but whatever.
Why you'll break up: The last time he washed his sheets was the day he moved in to his apartment three years ago.
His catchphrase: "Scuba is great, it's like a different world down there!"
Where to find him: The local rock-climbing wall, the Home Depot lumber department, driving a Jeep with a dog wearing a bandana in the passenger seat.
His go-to look: Cargo shorts because he needs lots of pockets for his seemingly endless supply of carabiners. He keeps his semi-long hair back in a headband or wrap but weirdly, you don't hate it.
Why you'll break up: He wakes up with the sunrise. Seriously, he even once called it "nature's alarm clock."
The Gay One
His catchphrase: "Katy Perry should have a Grammy."
Where to find him: Your liberal arts college campus, a Carly Rae Jepsen concert, an American Apparel outlet closing sale.
His go-to look: That's the point — his outfits are full looks and it changes daily. Sometimes hourly.
Why you'll break up: Girl, he's gay. He kissed you once while you were both drunk and you read way too far into it.
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