‘Cocktober’ is finally here, so grab your condoms and get going
It’s time to get the spooky succ
by Jenn Ficarra
Summer is all about having fun and hot, sweaty flings. It's expected that you're going to have a wild and wet time. When September rolls around you're exhausted — emotionally, mentally, and physically. You need a break from all of the dick you've devoured and that's understandable.
But don't rest for too long because once October rolls around, it's like the summer but better — because it's Cocktober.
'But what's Cocktober?!', you sweetly ask
Bitch, it's cocktober, I'm trynna give someone's son the spooky succ right before our spooky fucc 🗣🗣
— tamale tammy (@tletamz) October 1, 2017
Oh, my sweet, innocent girl. Even though December is technically the last month of the year, October is the last real month of the year. At least for your social life. Cocktober is the last month of the year where you can be sexually and emotionally free of ties to anyone.
Don't think so? Cocktober is the month where you get everything out of your system before winter rolls around and you're stuck living a more hermetic, indoor lifestyle. You're still social. You can still go to outdoor bars and you still want to go out. You're not too cold or tired or lazy to leave your apartment. You're excited to be seen and be chatting it up with guys at a bar. You haven't gained hibernation weight yet.
In Cocktober, the weather is still mild enough that you can get away with a silky lingerie top without a coat. You can still go out without a coat and wear skirts and dresses without tights. You can get away with your more revealing outfits without anyone second glancing you as you walk down the street.
Essentially, Cocktober is the last month you can sacrifice your health for fashion before people start judging you for your life and for your choices.
It's the official start to drafting season
Drafting season has started 😂😂😂 better pick your bae right.
— #ChefEve 🌸👩🏾🍳 (@Eve_Rags) September 20, 2017
The minute the calendar turns to November, it's officially cuffing season. And cuffing season means all of your viable candidates will probably be occupado once Turkey Time rolls around. You want to use the final waning days of free sexual agents the best you can.
Cocktober is not a sit down meal, it's an all you can eat buffet. So go back for seconds and thirds. Get rid of the ones you don't want anymore and indulge in the ones you do.
Cocktober is the time for test driving all of your cuffing season candidates and then, slowly, narrowing the field down to the real viable options. Cocktober is the time to give your candidates the tryouts of their life before you settle down in November with your winner.
It's capped by the sluttiest day of the year
Its that time of year again guys so remember that demons only take virgins so slut it up this halloween to be safe.
— 👻KvT (@xDudeitsKat) October 3, 2017
Halloween is the High Holy Day of Cocktober. It is the day we wait all year for. Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress and act like a complete and utter slut and no one can say a word about it.
Listen, no one should be saying anything about you and your sexual habits to begin with but this is a patriarchal society and we're at the mercy of the lesser sex when it comes to these sorts of things. But Halloween is the one day of the year when the patriarchy shuts their fucking mouths and let's us be.
Halloween is the day when all of your hard work this past Cocktober pays off. It is the day you celebrate not just the spirits passing through the veil, but all of your hard, (hopefully) backbreaking work too.
Halloween is when you can get drunk and dance your ass off because you did it. You successfully navigated Cocktober and you earned that tiny little costume. You earned the costume walk of shame you're going to do the next morning. You earned at least three Instas of you in that costume.
Halloween is the culmination of a month done right. It is the cherry on top of a perfect sexual year.
Do not waste this time. Do not waste this gift. Grab your condoms and start swiping. Cocktober is finally upon us.