‘Womansplaining’ might actually be the key to getting what you want

You might think womansplaining is the opposite of mansplaining, and I'd think you'd also be wrong. But if it's not an animal, it's not a mineral and it's definitely not a vegetable, what is it?

Much like love, womansplaining is a verb — the act of dumbing down thoughts so the men in the room can absorb what you're saying without becoming immediately defensive or irate.

It might seem insane that we'd have to affect a specific speech pattern just to get taken seriously, and it is. It's ridiculous! But here's the plan: We use it to move up the ranks at work until we're the bosses. Then, we clean fucking house. We take over, we clear them out, we build an empire of working women we won't ever have to upspeak to in order to get a project proposal done on time. We're gonna be sneaky, and we're gonna take over.

Here's how to do it:

Come up with bullet-points

This bit is extremely important — digestibility is highly underrated. Picture it: You're sitting in a meeting, inspiration strikes and you know precisely what needs to be done to achieve the outcome you desire. Only problem? You know you're going to have to convince every guy at that table it's as good an idea as you know it is. And so, you begin to plot.

Guys' brains are simple, and they're going to want to visualize what you're saying. Make it easy for them.

Make them think it was their idea

I know what you're thinking: Aren't mansplaining and womansplaining just the same thing, then? Someone dumbing something (the other person already understands) down in a way that manages to be degrading, humiliating and infuriating all at once?

And you'd be right if the final outcomes weren't so different. When a man explains something, it's with the hope of making himself feel better. He wants to be smart and provide for you.

But when we womansplain, it's with the intention of getting something we desire, while making them believe it was their idea all along. It's the only way they'll sign on.

Figure out how to be as apologetic as possible

Men respond to apologetic behavior. Any time you have a thought, if you can just make sure to preface it with an apology, their guard will be down, making them way more likely to hear you out.

There's a reason that for women, “I'm sorry” has become an entry point to basic affirmative sentences. We're not actually sorry, we just know we're expected to be.

Master 'the dance'

In a way, the dance goes hand-in-hand with apologizing, but it's more sly than that.

"The dance" is about making sure you word things in a way that'll make it seem like you're coming up with the idea as you're speaking to them. If you just come to a man will a full-fledged thought, he's going assume any corrections he'll have to it have already been deemed irrelevant, and there's nothing irrelevant men fear more than their inevitable irrelevancy.

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though it's breaking. I'm kidding (kind of). If you're not smiling, if you're not laughing at every bad joke they're making, they're not even going to consider what you're saying.

It doesn't matter if your best friend broke up with you yesterday, it doesn't matter if you're bleeding profusely out of your vagina, don't wipe that smirk off your damn face. They can't know you're not a femmebot.

Keep your voice soft

Similarly to smiling, by keeping your tone light and jovial, guy's won't necessarily assume you're sure about what you're saying. They'll think they can probably still get their sticky little fingers in there somehow and make a few adjustments here and there.

Womansplaining is an art; it's a dance, it's a way of life, and we will literally never be able to escape it for as long as we're women, so we might as well use their sexist tendencies to help us get every single last damn thing we want.

Mama didn't raise no fool.

@carolinephinney