Is that Common White Girl account ghostwriting John Mayer’s ‘relatable’ tweets?
It’s NOT him, that I know for certain
by Katie Way
John Mayer has made a recent resurgence in my personal life in a big way, in that I conduct a ton of my "personal life" online and he has been all the fuck over my Twitter feed.
As of late, the singer-songwriter has been dropping banal little gems online that I don't believe he actually writes.
Follow me down the rabbit hole, because I've got a hot little theory: In order to rehabilitate his image and get people interested in his music again, John Mayer is paying another, funnier person to do his tweeting for him.
And you motherfuckers are drinking the Kool-Aid.
Which I get! I totally get it. John Mayer is hot, and he makes generic love songs that I could see featuring somewhere in my wedding playlist if I end up settling. If he was also really funny, that would be kind of a good joke in-and-of itself.
But I really don't think so. Here's why:
John Mayer does not have a normal life
According to a report by CNBC, John Mayer has a net worth of $40 million. He has released seven studio albums and won seven Grammys. He dates other people with similar, if not more impressive, financial and musical accomplishments.
John Mayer and I do not lead similar lives, and the suggestion that he and I experience similar scenarios on a day-to-day basis is what tipped me off to this ghostwriting thing in the first place. It all started with this tweet:
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
— John Mayer (@JohnMayer) October 26, 2017
Excuse me, but I do not for one second believe that this is an issue John Mayer runs into on a regular basis. Who isn't texting back John Mayer? He is a handsome, successful, single multimillionaire celebrity. He is absolutely not getting left on read.
The closer you look at John Mayer's Twitter account, the more it starts to read like a parody John Mayer Twitter account, in the vein of fake accounts that pretend to be Mac Miller and complain about heartbreak.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
— John Mayer (@JohnMayer) October 19, 2017
What does not giving a f**k feel like?
— John Mayer (@JohnMayer) October 15, 2017
I'VE FINALLY DONE IT! I'VE CHEWED MY NAIL SO THAT IT'S PERFECTLY ROUN-nope wait nope. Shit
— John Mayer (@JohnMayer) August 31, 2017
Seriously, if this is John Mayer then the guy is trying extremely fucking hard to be as generic as humanly possible. But he's not, because it isn't.
John Mayer has charisma, but not jokes
Cards on the table: I did not watch this whole interview, but I watched enough of it, and I did not even giggle once. It's from early August 2017, when Mayer's Twitter account was doing numbers on a regular basis.
Excuse me, this room temperature water, which I requested, is not the temperature of the room I had in mind.
— John Mayer (@JohnMayer) August 8, 2017
The way Mayer plays this interview makes me want to k i s s him, but mostly because I like confident jerks and he's got amazing bone structure. Nothing that's actually coming out of his mouth compels me to listen carefully, let alone laugh.
John Mayer needs all the good PR he can get
Did you know that John Mayer put an album out in April? And that it was his first full album release in four years? Me neither.
Somehow… John Mayer is like, not that big of a deal anymore.
This is partially on purpose. John Mayer has made an active effort to distance himself from his late 2000s, early 2010s image — one of an unapologetic douchebag with a guitar and fluffy hair who's so hot he can say anything he wants.
If u are a fan of me u will wish my future husband @JohnMayer happy bday. U will also meditate to his guitar solos..meditate/masturbate..wtv
— Pornhub ARIA (@Pornhub) October 17, 2017
Like when he expressed his dating preferences in a 2010 interview with Playboy by comparing his penis to a famous white supremacist.
"My dick is sort of like a white supremacist," Mayer said to a reporter. On purpose. "I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick."
Which makes Mayer's most recent appearance in the news particularly interesting, as outlets reported on his flirtation with Nicki Minaj in September.
I spend an inordinate amount of time per day wondering if Nicki Minaj would like me or not.
— John Mayer (@JohnMayer) September 8, 2017
Would my body be your wonderland? https://t.co/jKpRdnhzbD
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) September 8, 2017
Please hold, losing my shit. This isn't my reply yet.
— John Mayer (@JohnMayer) September 8, 2017
The three-tweet exchange was definitely cute. And honestly, they'd be a very hot couple.
But the back-and-forth could also have been a very public way of demonstrating that Mayer's "cock" is more woke than it was seven years ago.
So who is it?
I'll admit that this is the zone where I veer into pure speculation. I don't know who's writing John Mayer's tweets, but I have a few educated guesses. Mayer, like most celebrities, has an amazing ratio.
He's got more than 1.25 million followers, but only follows 540 people on Twitter. My theory is that one of those 540 people is the one responsible for John Mayer's Twitter account.
I've narrowed it down to three possible candidates: @NoahGarfinkel, @davetotheross and @johnwhaskell. They're all generically funny white dudes who could — and perhaps are — doing pretty passable John Mayer impressions, especially online.
Check out these tweets below and tell me you couldn't see John Mayer's account posting the same exact shit:
Chips should come in boxes like crackers so they don’t break as easily. Sorry for being such a genius all the time.
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) October 23, 2017
My condolences to everyone trying to park
— DAVE ROSS COSTUME (@davetotheross) October 15, 2017
I just opened a tab for Twitter but already had a tab for Twitter open.
— John Wyatt Haskell (@johnwhaskell) August 30, 2017
None of these dudes are particularly Twitter famous, and there's no real reason for Mayer to toss 'em the follow. babe reached out to all of them for comment, and will update if and when responses are forthcoming.
Because, like an undercover cop, you have to say you're John Mayer's Twitter ghostwriter if somebody asks.
— Katie Way (@k80way) October 27, 2017
Is it possible that John Mayer is writing his own tweets? Yes. Maybe our bar for cleverness in our celebrities who aren't funny for money is so low that Mayer isn't just meeting expectations, he's genuinely knocking them out of the park.
But there is literally no piece of music less funny than Waiting on the World to Change, so for me, it's one or the other — either John Mayer didn't write his 2006 platinum smash hit, or he's not doing his own tweets.
'Fess up, John. We're onto you.
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