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A power-ranking of every relevant Famous Chris the entertainment industry has to offer
Only the crème de la Chris on this list
by Katie Way
It's a Chris's world, and we're just living in it. It seems like everywhere you turn these days, there's one Chris or another plastered across a TV screen or on the cover of a magazine. It's kind of overwhelming, but honestly, it makes sense.
After all, the core group of Chrises are all hot in that particular Hollywood Chris way (white, muscular, symmetrical) and each Chris of Note has made a definite impact on pop culture. But who's the Alpha-Chris?
Let me break it down for you, from worst Chris to best. Don't agree? Feel free to tweet at me about it, but know I probably won't respond.
15. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie
He's probably talking about closing more bridges.
Why: He's a beach hog, a sycophant, a Trump Supporter, a marijuana prohibitionist, and even though I almost feel bad for him, I will never get over Bridgegate until the day I die.
14. Chris Brown
Ugh. I can't believe he's still famous.
Why: Chris Brown is a certifiable piece of shit. He's got well-documented anger issues, the hubris required to release a 45-song album, and he beat the shit out of Rihanna. Fuck this guy, and fuck anyone who still supports him.
13. Chris Pine
I bet he's eating something weird like a plain croissant.
Why: Chris Pine is hands-down the most boring of the Hollywood Chrises (consisting traditionally of him, Pratt, Hemsworth and Evans), both in terms of his body of work and his personality. Pine is cute, but also looks like anime-style fanart of Ryan Reynolds that came to life. Tell me I'm wrong!
12. Chris Pratt
Stop taunting me, you bastard!
Why: Pratt and Anna Faris's divorce shattered a lot of people's conceptions of true love, and he's also weirdly conservative. But that's not my main beef with this Chris — I'm a huge fan of the Jurassic Park franchise, and Jurassic World sucked ass. I'm not over it, and if you care about Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern's legacies then you shouldn't be either.
11. Chris Martin
I would not recognize Chris Martin if I saw him in concert.
Why: Chris Martin is generally inoffensive unless you're offended by generic sounding pop-rock. But he was married to Gwyneth Paltrow for a long-ass time so he probably has some annoying pseudoscience-y beliefs about what's okay to put in a vagina. If I had the choice between meeting Chris Martin or finding $20 on the ground, I'd already have one of those super-expensive Drunk Elephant chapsticks in my Sephora online shopping basket.
10. Chris Messina
That's… a nice shade of purple?
Why: This Chris is hot, but I literally had no idea who he was until I began compiling this list. Apparently he's on The Mindy Project, which I've never watched, but have heard good things about? Unfortunately, that's not enough to earn Messina a higher place on this power-ranking. Better luck next time!
9. Criss Angel, Mind Freak
Professional magic is so weird!
Why: Yes, he's corny as hell and still seems to be goth but not in the sexy-goth-revival way. In the kids-who-wore-cat-ears-to-gym-class way. But Criss Angel is now the only famous living magician who hasn't been accused of rape, so that earns him a higher spot on this list than the picture I used for him would indicate.
8. Chris Hemsworth
Um, maybe don't put your feet on that desk, Chris? It doesn't look sturdy.
Why: I've heard the new Thor movie is really good, but honestly? Chris Hemsworth looks like he ate another, lesser Chris to absorb his energy and I'm not really onboard with that. He seems kind of fun online though, so that's a point in his favor. Better than Pine or Pratt, that's for sure.
7. Chris Rock
Nice pose, Chris.
Why: Chris Rock is undoubtedly a comedy icon. He's also really good in Madagascar, and pretty good in Madagascar 2. But unfortunately, he's also been making rape jokes at some of his recent comedy sets, and like, c'mon dude. Isn't comedy about reading a fucking room?
6. Chris Daughtry
Never noticed the fact that Chris Daughtry has AMAZING brows…
Why: Chris Daughtry is the reason I realized bald men can be hot, and It's Not Over remains an emotional banger. That's all there is to it.
5. Chris O'Dowd
Aw, he's famous but still seems attainable!
Why: He's just so freaking cute! And he's funny! And he's got an accent! His curly mop of hair and kinda droopy look makes me wanna date him on and off for two years before he finally realizes that I'm full of shit and leaves me for a girl with C-cups and a boring personality.
4. Chris Evans
Yes, I love my Bostonian king!
Why: He dated Jenny Slate and their breakup was super-amicable, which automatically makes him cool in my book. Plus, he's socially conscious, and I've had a massive crush on him ever since I read his GQ profile. In terms of conventional Hollywood Chris rankings, this dude definitely tops the list.
3. Jesus Chris(t)
My mom is gonna be so mad when she sees this.
Why: Jesus seems like a cool guy with values I can get behind from some versions of what I've heard and read about him, but overall I'd like to know a little bit more before I put him higher on this list. Especially because he's got so many pushy friends.
2. Kris Jenner
It's fucking Scorpio season!
Why: Kris Jenner is as omnipresent as Jesus, but potentially more powerful. At least in the modern cultural landscape, anyway. She created a reality TV empire from a mediocre sex tape and guided her children towards altering the definition of celebrity forever. Kris Jenner is the only person on this list who I would not hesitate to call a genius. You're an amazing Chris, sweetie!
1. Christopher Meloni
A truly blessed image.
Why: I don't give a fuck if Law & Order is low-key propaganda, or if it's lightly annoying that he responds to a ton of Donald Trump's tweets. Look at that picture and tell me you wouldn't die for him. I love you, Christopher Meloni. You're the number one Chris in my heart, and on this list, because I'm the one writing it.
Don't agree with me? Tweet at me about it, but I probably won't respond because I'm too busy watching an SVU marathon on the USA Network and practicing my splits.