Farmers, organs, and Beyoncé: Just a collection of The Odyssey’s worst-ever stories for your enjoyment
Is the internet… bad?
by Katie Way
There are a ton of outlets that let people publish their wild-ass opinions online, but few are as brazenly strange as the Odyssey Online, a platform aimed at democratizing content, a phrase which here means letting people spew their bile on a semi-legitimate platform in the name of… dismantling the mainstream media? Giving a voice to the "voiceless"? Generating sweet, sweet clicks?
I would never ever say that anyone who writes for the Odyssey Online is a talentless hack, because that's a patently false generalization and because it would open up my writing to criticism. No thanks!
From the recycled bad takes to the painfully mundane to the downright deranged, follow babe down for a little highlight reel of some of the Odyssey Online's greatest hits… if you dare.
i might not be doing so great right now but at least i don't write for the odyssey online
— a feeling of serenity (@DAVlDLUNCH) November 18, 2017
'I'm not a feminist because I believe in equal rights'
Equal rights for straight men? In this economy? Sorry, but no. The people (not strictly women or female-bodied writers, which means that nobody asked in the first place) who write into the Odyssey Online with this ignorant take end up outing themselves as people who don't understand modern feminism from the get-go.
It's kind of unclear what these pieces actually hope to accomplish, because nobody who actually knows about feminism is going to be talked out of their viewpoint and everybody who's "not a feminist" in today's cultural climate probably spends all of their time online refreshing Breitbart or commenting thirsty shit on Meghan Trainor's Instagram posts.
A piece that teases a list of reasons not to do something, but then there aren't actually any reasons
The ol' bait and switch! I had no idea there were so many reasons not to be grateful to so many people in random professions, or to ignore so many basic public health measures…
Oh, fuck! There really aren't any reasons to do that stuff. Damn you, Odyssey Online, you've truly fooled me again.
A direct address to everyone who's ever existed
I am a girl who has felt both happy and tired. I'd like to think that all girls have experienced happiness at some point, and I know based on the machinations of human life that we've definitely all been tired before.
But pieces about things that literally everyone has experienced feel a little bit… unnecessary, to the extent that the fact of their existence is annoying to me. Relatable content might be the name of the game, but another essay addressed to "the girl who sometimes feels like going out but sometimes doesn't" isn't something that we need right now. Or, honestly, ever again.
A direct address to a specific person
These are messy. I totally understand the impulse to pen an intense open letter after an emotional upheaval. I had a Tumblr in high school… and college… I've been there, is what I'm saying. But that's kind of where this stuff belongs: on a personal blog or like, your embarrassing journal. We've all got one! Use it.
You won't regret waiting at least a little while to say your piece to the lover who hurt you or the friend who didn't support you as much as you supported her. At the very least, say something intense and irrationally emotional in person and not on a content platform where thousands of strangers and your personal acquaintances can access it at will.
Any article about Beyoncé being overrated
Hell no. Hating on a black woman for loving herself and being an undisputed Great in the realm of music, pop culture and pregnancy announcements is incredibly tired. Save it for someone who cares — Katy Perry fans or your group chat of similarly closed-minded individuals.
Every girl needs a trap phone
Even if you’re not actually, y’know, trapping
by Amanda Ross
I have this friend. For the sake of our story, let's call her…Janet Vasquez. I'm not changing her name to protect the innocent because she thrives on attention (one of the many reasons we're friends) and because she's definitely not innocent. Me and Dammit Janet at a bar circa 2011, moments before she ran away…
BEHOLD: Pumpkin Spice Booze, because Pumpkin Spice Lattes are over and they haven’t invented Pumpkin Spice Cocaine yet
Catch me snorting nutmeg
by Amanda Ross
There is nothing wrong with a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Like astrology, Lush bath bombs, and any novel written by a woman, PSLs are in a special club of things that are objectively good and fun but hated on by dudes and girls who haven't yet realized that dudes who hate those things are garbage. But…
Your weekly horoscopes say everyone’s feeling particularly rebellious this week
Here’s what to expect
by Caroline Phinney
There's something about these final dog days of August that bring with them an energizing, revitalizing feel. Fall is on the way, which means it's almost time to cuff up or miss out. With Lilith in Capricorn, you'll be ready to make the first move this week. Good luck.AriesIt’s finally time to relax for you…