This is what kind of fuckboy he is based on his star sign
Find out his sign, find out his secrets
We love them, we hate them, we will always text them "I loive yoioew ????" when we're wasted and crying and shoving a burnt slice of pizza into our mouth. Like death, fucking with fuckboys is an inevitability we just need to accept. We're never going to quit them, and the best we can do is hope someday they evolve into fuckmen. Dare to dream, right?
What we can also do, though, is figure out exactly what kind of fuckboy we're dealing with. There are 12 distinct types, and they match up perfectly with the guy's zodiac sign — it's really all you need to know to unlock the secrets to their terrible ways.
Hunt down his sign (hello Facebook!) and figure him out:
ARIES: The Toxic Masculinity Poster Boy
An Aries guy is always the loudest one by far in any room, the type to repeat his joke six or seven times until someone finally hears him and laughs. He's imposing physically but acts like a third grader with ADHD who refuses to take his Adderall so he can jump off the swingset at recess. Speaking of school, he's that guy who gets straight Cs because “it’s about the hands you shake, not the grades you make." Sure, dude, whatever you say. When he's not aggressively wearing sunglasses indoors, he's screaming at the players on the TV like they can actually hear him, or texting you "Haha and then what ;)" The sex is good if you like being jackhammered to death, which I weirdly do….
TAURUS: The More-Into-You-Than-You-Are-Him Guy
Taurus guys are, on the surface, perfect. You'll be so pleasantly surprised that he eats you out for like 35 minutes on a first date and gives up his seat for old ladies on the bus. Like, even if he's not from the Midwest, he seems like he could be, you know? But therein lies the issue: he's toooo nice. You'll start to feel guilty for doing very basic things like going out for drinks with a coworker. If you don't text him "Home safe!" the second you walk through the threshold, he'll literally call 911 in a panic. If you're into any kind of rough sex, pick someone else because this guy only wants to fuck in missionary so he can "look into your beautiful eyes." Hard pass.
GEMINI: The Spiritualist
Geminis seem like a total fucking mystery. But once you figure out what makes them tick, they're the most predictable fuckboys in the world. Here's the key: they just do whatever feels good in that exact moment. So you probably met this guy in yoga class or like the gym or something. They're very physical. The bad news is he's fucked all the other women in said yoga class, and probably some of the guys too. He's all about impulsivity and instant gratification. Like he claims to be a vegetarian for "health" reasons, but rails a shit ton of coke. Sooner or later (it's sooner, believe me), he'll dump you and make it seem like it's your fault because of "bad vibes" or something. This guy in a nutshell? This infamous image of Lenny Kravitz draped in a giant scarf.
CANCER: The Sensitive Softboy
Cancers always have a tragic backstory. And by tragic backstory, I mean their high school girlfriend cheated on them at homecoming and he's still really upset over it years later. This guy cares, have you heard? He thinks of himself as worlds apart from all the other fuckboys, which means he's probably the worst one of all. A Cancer guy is really into music and has unironically said "Music is like, my life" on more than one occasion. He'll make you amazing playlists, but way too many of them and way too specific. Like why is it necessary to make a playlist just for us scrolling through Twitter on separate phones in the same room? Keep your "chillax mix"! For further info on a Cancer softboy, just listen to Drake's "Marvin's Room."
LEO: The All-Star
Everyone knows that guy who peaked in high school/college and still acts like a horny 18-year-old trying to make his coach proud. That guy is probably a Leo. He tries really hard, which might be endearing if it wasn't so fucking annoying. He joined the ass-kiss fraternity in college and is still really into it but in a nerdy way — like he'll correct you "It's a FRATERRRNITYYYY, not a FRAT." On the surface, he's the kind of guy your mom might want you to date. But when you go over to his house for the first time, you'll find his letterman jacket hanging up in his closet and first grade t-ball trophies lining the walls.
VIRGO: The Litboy Control Freak
If you love cranky, judgmental, worrier a Virgo is the one for you! Imagine Holden Caulfield came to life and started stalking your Twitter to "make sure" you're not cheating and backseat driving the Uber. Yeah, that's a Virgo. Sure, they're whip-smart and well-read but they're hypercritical of everyone around them. Like, he's the kid who would cover up his paper with his arm if he thought anyone was trying to copy him in school. Narc.
LIBRA: The Too Cool For You Guy
You knows those intrinsically cool people who instantly make you feel self-conscious around them because you feel like they're constantly evaluating your outfit, jokes, bone structure and posture? Yeah, that's a Libra guy. He's got more Gucci floral than Harry Styles and about as much star power. Popular as hell, he's only ever half-listening to you because he's so busy texting other people.
SCORPIO: The Pretty Boy
Scorpio guys are hot as hell and they know it, which is the worst quality any hot person could have. He's all about his image. If a restaurant's menu won't look good on his incredibly popular Instagram page, he's not interested in going. Like, this guy would sell you for a Gucci belt and not even bat an eye because everything is about boosting his clout and his brand. He's incredibly manicured and absolutely steals your skincare products and thinks you can't tell. Honestly exhausting to be around, but you have to admit he looks pretty good on your Insta grid too.
SAGITTARIUS: The Meme King
Sagittarius dudes are definitely some of the funniest guys you've ever met, but it's not without cost. He'll send you hilarious memes to break up the workday, sure, but when you try to tag him back, you're met with a disinterred "Yeah I saw that last month." This guy is scatterbrained as hell; he'll make a ton of plans only to break them all at the last minute. He's the type to tweet about doing drugs but actually be way too scared to try them, you know? Also, he definitely doesn't need those glasses.
CAPRICORN: The Ambitious Go-Getter
There are some amazing qualities to this guy: He's probably got a rugged, manly beard, loves the outdoors and is kind to animals. On the other side of the coin, he definitely loved his dog — no, his girl — more than he loves you, and thinks clinical depression can be cured through the power of positive thinking. With a Capricorn guy, he's all about seizing the day and dawn-to-dusk hikes. He's always wearing "mountain-y" brands like Patagonia and North Face and he is pretty mountain-y so it seems less douchey but like…no one on the bus knows he's "authentic", so…..
AQUARIUS: The Tortured Artist
This dude is an artist and will never, ever let you forget it even if you wanted to. He'll use it as an excuse for every dumb thing he's ever done from making out with your nemesis while snuggled up on Xanax, or forgetting your birthday because he was "feeling the power of the ocean" or whatever. You never know where you stand with this guy — he'll text you back in .2 seconds or 2 months later. Hope you love the stench of weed seeped into everything he owns because he has to smoke constantly for his veeery convenient "anxiety."
PISCES: The Lonely Boy
He's someone you probably ignored in high school because he was (using a science term here, y'all) fugly, but now that he's grown out his hair and into his nose, he's getting more attention than ever. Aaaand that means he has no idea how to act. This guy is literally Dan Humphrey from Gossip Girl: he blew up into a regulation hottie over night, but still has the soul of a tortured nerd. He's old-school and wants to do shit like write you a 5-page letter about his tortured love for you and all the while you're just like, this couldn't have been a text instead? He is super sweet in his own way though. Catch him on the floor petting cats during a house party.
Illustrations by Brenda Chi @brenda_cheese.
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