I’m so sorry to ruin your day, but Bloody Marys are trash and you’re trash if you drink them
It’s time for an intervention
by Una Dabiero
Picture this: you're on a brunch date with a nice guy. You sit down and joke about how everyone's moms make pancakes for Christmas, and you're 1000 percent sure he's the one. The waitress comes up and asks for your drink order. Like a sane person, you order a Peach Bellini because a) they're delicious and b) they're low-key sexy. A bubbly pink drink? It spells sex.
Then, suddenly, the ugliest words ever slip out of this dream man's mouth: Bloody Mary. Sorry m'lady, but he is trash. Cut all ties and run. Run long and run fast. People who drink Bloody Marys are trash. It's evident by their invitation of a drink that should NOT be a drink to your table.
Drinking a Bloody Mary is essentially like drinking the blood of Lucifer. There's a reason most children are scared of tomatoes: they're disgusting. Have you ever seen a child scared of chicken nuggets or other delicacies of the world? No. People who like tomatoes enough to drink their juices should be questioned. Heavily.
But Bloody Marys are especially disgusting because they're a mixture of tomatoes with THE worst alcohol of all: Vodka. Unless you're Russian, 16, or drinking a vodka cran, you should not be ingesting the most unholy of alcohols. Vodka burns everything it touches, including your digestive system. Unless you enjoy huffing rubbing alcohol, you're a monster if your drink of choice is anything vodka based.
Another big issue with Bloody Marys is they literally require you to put food inside your drink. There's a reason we think drink floaties are disgusting: food belongs outside of liquids. The people who drink Bloody Marys are the same type who let all of their foods run together at Thanksgiving dinner. In other words, they are a disgrace.
Maybe Bloody Marys would be better if they promoted an enjoyable mixture of foods, like a frozen yogurt bar or a Chopt. But Bloody Marys only involve the most disgusting foods: Bacon. Clam juice. Pickles. Celery. Foods that really should stay on the nasty appetizer trays your lazy aunt brings to parties every year.