Do you want to read my weirdest, grossest sex stories ever? Fuck it, here they are

I went to an all-girls Catholic high school, so a) there was no one I was interested in fucking and b) I never thought I'd be one to rack up such a smorgasbord of sexual experiences.

But alas, I've concluded that there are far more sick pervs out there who want you to perform gross sex acts on them than those who just want to put it in the butt — still not happening!

Because nothing matters in 2018, here are my weirdest personal sex stories in all their miserable glory:

He wanted me to go down on his uncut dick in a children's park

Firstly, I don't know what kind of daddy issues the sick fuck had at the time, but wanting your dick sucked in hopes of a child catching you is beyond pedo status. And if my 15 year-old self wasn't hip to sucking or even seeing an uncircumcised dick yet, then neither is that toddler. Obviously I told him to go to hell.

I hadn't put my mouth, let alone my lady lips, anywhere near even a regular penis, and I was shitting my school skirt at the idea of getting a piece of it stuck in my teeth. I genuinely wanted to try for him, being that he was one of those "cute" nerdy losers in school , but he was an asshole virgin who continued persisting for me to get him off potentially in front of kids when I said muthafuckin no, bitch.

We had sex while I was still (heavily) on my period.

I'm grossed out by my own damn self whenever flow comes for a visit. She makes a mess, ruins all my good panties, and convinces me that I smell like Steven Tyler's upper lip. So the thought of some dude desperate enough to whack off inside this red slip and slide is disturbing to say the least. But I said fuck it, and later died of embarrassment after I'd caught a glimpse of the blood-stained sheets during our awkward after-sex aftermath. I know everyone makes this comparison, but it really was like the elevator doors in The Shining opened up just to soak my linens.

His jizz tasted jank

Listen, I don't like swallowing any more than the next guy, but I'd crafted this idea in my head that I was in love with the guy and took one for the team. While it wasn't my first shot of spunk, the dumb bitch inside me expected all semen to have the same overly salted taste. But imagine my disgust when I was downing what tasted like vegan cum. Exactly….

He liked when I sat on his face…and farted on it

Sex is hard work for a girl when you're not the bottom, but having to fart on cue is no easier task than a backwards cowgirl. It was already difficult trying not to feel like a total weirdo sitting and farting on someone's actual face, but sex turned into a chore knowing that I had to save and queue up my own indigestion.

He even tried to take me to a Mexican restaurant that I hated simply to "prep" me for that night. He and I would literally get into fights about how I couldn't and/or wouldn't fart on him during sex. When I did decide to give in, he would like me to fart on him with my panties still on because the smell combined with my bare ass suffocating his face would all be too much for his senses.

I plan on being much pickier than I was in the past, finding out who's kinky, who's clean, and who just needs straight up help. Let this be the year we all just enjoy regular degular vanilla sex. Please!!!

@aribines