Here’s what your very specific taste in porn says about you

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Here’s what your very specific taste in porn says about you

Ya freakin’ sicko

If we're sticking to our resolutions and 2018 really is a year of reflection, where better than the crusty corners of cleaning-lady-walks-in-on-her-client's-lover Pornhub to do some true soul searching?

But for porn veterans who feel they've seen it all, watching someone pound a D in a V just isn't going to do it anymore. So whether it's solo vids you're seeking, or like Ted Cruz you're a fan of voyeurism, here's what your taste in porn says about you:

Vanilla porn

You were't introduced to porn until long after you should've been, so you're not sure what to do with it. Kind of like when someone goes in for a high-five but you think it's gonna' be a handshake, and now you're just kind of standing there, holding one another's intertwined fingers.

You still blush when any of your friends asks you about the last time you got laid, you're too nervous to purchase a vibrator incase the postman starts telling all of your elderly neighbors you masturbate and you blast the radiator on high every time you go at it incase someone, somehow hears.

Whenever a guy asks if he can "hit it doggy" you launch into your "What are we?" monologue, before tweeting something along the lines of "Love yourself first — nobody else will."

DILF porn

If you're really into DILF porn you're the kind of girl who's been hoeing since you were 15.

You were the first one in your friend group to lose your virginity, you once caught your dad's friend "staring at you" and told everyone and you'd already dyed your hair a myriad colors before you even reached high school. You have at least one secret tattoo your mom doesn't know about, you still shop at Forever 21 (not that you'd ever tell anyone) and there's a cheery emoji somewhere in your Instagram bio.

You once dropped out of a class after subtly propositioning a professors who had no interest in you, you wear white pleated skirts (even after Labor day) and you're too afraid of old people to actually try being a sugar baby. You describe your relationship with your mom as "on the skids" but only for the attention. You loved Lady Bird.

Celebrity porn

Your first crush was on Mitchel Tate Musso of the late Hannah Montana series, and no guy has lived up to him since.

You're really into your Instagram ratio which means you cut a few friends when you realized how many B-list celebs were clogging up your feed, and now everyone kind of thinks you're a bitch. Doesn't matter though, because you fucked Post Malone's assistant so you're not really on their level anymore. It's not that you think you're better than all of your friends, it's just that some of us are bound for greatness and some . . . aren't.

Nobody knows where exactly you are at any given point because you're always gramming from different cities, but there's a chance you're just shivering in a body-con outside some shit club, wishing you were more important.

Voyeurism porn

You're extremely insecure, but it kind of turns you on thinking about the person you love, hitting it with someone else. Maybe it's because she's better at giving head, but you've always had a competitive streak.

You're big into starting fights even when there's nothing to fight about just because you thrive off drama and you once made yourself fake cry on the Uber ride to a hook up's house just so he'd ask "What's wrong?" Whenever you go out you need to be prettier than the rest of the girls you're with so they don't steal your man who's not your man.

You're the kind of person who would go on that show where people hire actors to seduce their SOs and then get mad when it actually works, even though the actor was basically begging the person to let them suck their dick. Then, you'd start a fight, break up with them and use that one moment as masturbatory material for the rest of your warped life.

Humiliation/bondage porn

You're a social media meme-queen, but your friends kind of wish you'd learn the difference between a finst and rinst. They're honestly sick of your tits popping up when they're scrolling their feed in peace, but that's their problem, not yours.

Your DMs are always packed, but instead of responding, you screenshot the receipts and post them online. You have two Twitters, one for you and one for your fake dominatrix account, and you don't remember the log-in to the latter, but that's fine because people find you — you don't find them.

Most of your family, including all your cousins, call you the black sheep behind your back and can't stop sending screenshots of your weird online persona to one another, but they're always shocked at Christmas when you show up seeming like everything in your life is completely normal.

Solo porn

Awe, you're a little narcissist! There's something about watching guys get hard that turns you on more than the actual act itself, and that's because you're sure they're thinking about you. Isn't it all just a game anyway?

You were That Bitch in high school. Not because you were cheerleading captain or some bullshit like that, but because people feared you, though they weren't sure why. The thought of asking you to prom put a guy in a coma but it wasn't just about your looks. They knew you were gonna' fuck them up somehow, and you did.

Now? You're all about posting "innocent" selfies on your gram, as long as the important people know that choker isn't so innocent IRL, and if you so much as thought a guy were going to call things with you, you'd break up with him first — before he had a chance to finish. His brother was cuter anyway.

Storyline porn

No porn shaming, but it's entirely possible you've watched too much porn. You're the type of person who's so invested in the soap opera beginnings of it all, you're almost too stressed to get off when the time comes. You're literally going to cost your delivery guy his job for making him wait so long.

You're a natural in the spotlight so it's no surprise you let yourself get swept away by the "lights, camera, action" of it all, but when you actually have to have real, human sex you panic and don't know how to engage if he isn't calling you "Professor." Everyone who knows you would describe you as "dramatic, in a good way," but you're pretty sure they're talking shit about you behind your back.

They are.

'Feminist porn'

You're the type of porn watcher who loves to tell everyone she's a porn watcher. Not that you're any different from the rest of us, but you feel like you are and we're just glad you're happy.

You hate the way your armpit hair rubs you, but for some reason feel contractually obligated to grow it out anyway, you post a lot of nearly-nude selfies on your Gram with body positive captions so no one can call you a hoe and you've had your nippled pierced for like "almost two years now."

You experimented with your sexuality in college, but it was just for the #WokePoints because you know you're only down to ride the D, and you once cut your hair short and haven't let anyone forget since. Seriously, stop showing us your old ID.

Tumblr porn

You're a soft-core girl through and through, but that's only because you've been scrolling past artsy nudes on Tumblr for many years, you "don't see nudity" anymore.

You wanted to own that Cara Delavigne shirt with the tits on it, you've given your high school crush head in the back of his car more times than you can count and you've been masturbating since you were like 16 but don't really get the point. Sex feels kind of 2008 at this point, and we're out here experimenting with emotions now.

Even though it's well past its heydays you still fuck with your blog because it's the only place you can post galaxy dicks in motion without receiving a warning notice. Your high school crush never reciprocated.

@carolinephinney

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