30 thoughts by Black people that’ll get you uninvited to the cookout

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30 thoughts by Black people that’ll get you uninvited to the cookout

‘I don’t wear a scarf to bed’

The thing about being from a very Black family is that typically all of your relatives over the age of 35 are judgmental as fuck, and won't let you get away with anything they deem ungodly or unacceptable.

So, last night, I was scrolling through my Facebook timeline, and I found dozens of things that would make my judge-y fam shun me or ship me back. That's the thing about unpopular opinions! We don't want to hear them. Hopefully you'll be smart and keep these thoughts to yourself.

We all think them, but maybe don't say them out loud lest you're excommunicated from your next family barbecue.

1. 'I don't put hot sauce on my fries'

I can't fathom anyone not dressing up those basic ass French fries from the sketchy corner restaurant because they barely have salt on them to begin with, but to each their own. I guess.

2. 'I really hate hip-hop these days'

There are only a few exceptions to this confession. And that's Kendrick, Childish, Cole and Kyle. And that's all folks. Fight me in the comments later.

3. 'Macklemore deserved to beat out Kendrick and Drake'

4. 'I know OJ did it, but I'm glad he got off'

And with said freedom, I'm going to need him to do this DNA test with Khloe and prove that he's really her long lost dad. Maybe Maury Povich could get involved with that one.

5. 'I can't play spades'

If you go to any family gathering, you better be prepared to be asked to play spades. I don't know spades and I probably never will even try.

6. 'What's 2K?'

I don't know any Black man (or wannabe Black man) in America who hasn't bought a rendition of one of the 2K franchise. I played street fighter, they play basketball…online.

7. 'Trump isn't that bad'

Ok. Get the fuck out…like now.

8. '4:44 was whack!'

… Were you waiting for me to say something good about Jay? Because you'll be waiting 444 years for that to happen.

9. 'I've never had a perm'

Nowadays, this confession may actually give you more street cred as a POC.

10. 'Can someone teach me the Electric Slide or the Cupid Shuffle?'

If you don't know at least the Electric Slide, are you even Black? Maybe you should seek out spitting into a test tube to get those 23 & Me results.

11. 'I don't get why my family likes cornbread'

Need I say more?

12. 'I've never watched an episode of Martin'

Yes. Yes, you are. Martin is essentially a milestone for growing up Black. The jokes, the Jerome and idiot ass Teddy is what we live for to make us feel better about our own intellect.

13. 'I don't give head'

It's 2018, guys. Who's still clutching their pearls at oral sex?

14. 'Fuck Oprah!'

My sister has always been pretty vocal about her distaste for Ms. Winfrey, but maybe that's because she would like her to just admit that Gale is more than "just a friend."

15. 'I'd rather have cake than sweet potato pie at Thanksgiving'

Umm…girl, bye! I bet you hated candy as a child, too. The word "sweet" is literally in the title of the recipe. Gimme that card, and go hang out with Omarosa.

16. 'I only eat boxed Mac 'n' Cheese'

17. 'I can't dance'

Giiirl, you better sign on to one of those virus-inflicting movie sites and watch Stomp the Yard or Bring It On with Gabrielle Union. Your family may not even let you into your own birthday party.

18. 'I prefer Crystal Light over Kool-Aid'

19. 'I don't wear a bonnet to bed at night'

I too don't wear any kind of headwrap to bed and that's why I wake up with a nappy "kitchen" and end up breaking every one of my combs.

20. 'What's In Living Color?'

21. 'I don't care for the Lion King'

This guy must have been bullied at home a lot.

22. 'I don't eat all of the meat off my chicken'

Sorry I prefer to be a neat eater. Who's digging for meat in chicken crevices, anyway? That's like, kind of why you get a whole plate of wings.

23. 'I've never seen The Color Purple'

What are you really doing with your life, though, bruh?

24. 'Beyonce is better than Whitney'

Prepare to get the third, fourth and fifth degree from that aunty you don't like.

25. 'I hate Scandal and How to Get Away with Murder'

26. 'I love country music…and Blake Shelton'

27. 'Tupac really is not that hard….'

I strongly suggest that if you want to live, keep this thought way deep in your subconscious and never let it out of you mouth around your family, friends, not even your black cat. You will get got.

28. 'I've never been into Michael Jackson'

What is "good music" to you, anyway? Because I ain't hearing what you're hearing on Spotiy's New Music Friday playlist.

29. 'Dave Chapelle ain't shit'

You must be delusional if you've never watched Chapelle in a whiteface.

30. 'I've never smoked weed'

You must be stressed, my dude. Because if I had to live in fear of leaving my house everyday, (I do) I know some kind of sedative needs to be consumed before leaving my house to write long as shit pieces like this one.

@aribines

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