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Fuck a Hadid, I want to be the girl in the sexy Super Bowl burger commercials
Because there’s nothing sexier than red meat
by Una Dabiero
Growing up, we all had aspirations. Some of us wanted to be doctors or astronauts or special education teachers. But then, we grow up. Life changes. We want different things. It took me 20-something years, but I've just realized my one true dream: To be the burger-eating girl on a Super Bowl commercial.
You know exactly the girl I'm talking about. Every year, you can count on at least one clip of a hot girl with MASSIVE tits eating a burger — usually one from Carls Jr. or Hardy's — in the most seductive way possible. They might lick some mustard off their arm or straddle their bag of fast food or roll around while somehow keeping their hair 100 percent pristine. But ultimately, they get paid to look hot and eat burgers. That's the best kind of model you could possibly be.
Sure, supermodels get to walk in fashion shows or pose for the cover of Vogue, but they don't get all the perks of being the Super Bowl burger girl. They don't get to take hella bites of a specially-prepared, commercial-ready fast-food burger. They don't get to ingest ketchup completely naked. They don't get to roll around in grease and also usually water in lingerie. And they definitely don't get to get drunk off Bud Light and chew on mozzarella sticks while they watch themselves looking sexy as fuck during the Super Bowl.
The Super Bowl burger girls exude a sexiness that can only be achieved while eating red meat. Like, does anyone look sexier than while they're swallowing some juicy cow? Def not. If I was a burger girl, I would be sexy and able to eat real food. Show me a Victoria's Secret angel that does that.
Sure, there's a chance these girls take a bite then spit it into a bucket. And they definitely work way harder than I ever will to look good. But somewhere out there in the time-space continuum is a perfect dimension where Kate Uptons eat burgers and get paid for it. And I am there. It's my only life goal.