I’m sad to announce that beards are just contour for men
This is why you gotta take guys to a barber shop on the first date
by Amanda Ross
I know Pick Me Twitter is always crying about how other girls use deceptive techniques to get men, and then Megan Fox Avi Twitter counters with something like, "If a man thinks my eyelids are naturally, glittery! He's an idiot! Oh, and I fucked ya dad 😛!"
But the truuuuth is, yes! We totally scam men, and it's disingenuous to pretend otherwise. We've got highlights, extensions, Spanx, push-up bras, acrylics, contour, lip injections…is that one just me? But still. We use to tools at our disposal, and there's nothing wrong with that.
But what we need to realize is while dudes scream that contour is why they gotta take girls swimming on the first date (nice try lol I've got enough setting spray on to seal an oil painting), dudes are scamming us. Notice how every "hot" guy suddenly has a beard now? Yeah, that's why we gotta take dudes to the barber shop on the first date.
They completely transform a guy's look
Beards have the supernatural ability to turn that weird dude who sits in the back of your math class into someone you want to bend you over the desk. I mean, look at this Donald Glover transformation:
Before the beard, he was "You can borrow my mechanical pencil but give it back as soon class is over!" This is also where I could make a joke about Childish Gambino vs Father Gambino but I'm PMSing so talking about children makes my ovaries physically ache.
It covers and distracts from weak features
And it's even more powerful than contour because a beard won't erode with a single swipe of a Neutrogena wipe. Look at the picture of Prince Harry above. See how a light covering of copper scruff completely distracts us from the fact that he has .75 lips total? I'll tell you this much, he didn't have Meghan Markle back when he was clean-shaven! He was dating women named Cressida Bonas, which sounds like a genus of extinct lake salamander.
It snatches cheekbones, hides a weak chin, and literally covers like 1/3 of a guy's entire fucking face. Do you know how hot I'd be if I was all eyes and cheekbones?! Too hot to be writing these articles, I'll tell you that much.
So the next time some crispy lil boy makes you feel like you need to fall asleep with tinted moisturizer on to make him think you wake up beautiful, buzz half his facial veil off in his sleep. Who's ugly now???