Next time you lock your dumb ass out of your own apartment, get some good content out of it

Erica Smith

6 years ago

Loitering is extremely in rn

When was the last time you locked yourself out of your fucking apartment? A week ago? Two days ago? Same! I get it: You were in a hurry, keys are hard to see, you did too many drugs too many weekends in a row and maybe those brain cells were important after all (jury's still out of that one, but fine.)

It truly sucks, but since lemons have been inexplicably trending for the past two years, I’ve decided to make metaphorical lemonade whenever something unfortunate/entirely my fault occurs, and by jove I’ve found the secret ingredient for this particular batch of crisis — and it’s a heaping serving of s t a i r s.

Bless the slew of Instathots haunting my Explore feed that have opened my eyes to the beauty of boring-ass stairs. Not opulent Titanic stairs atop which you hallucinate your super dead boyfriend who's rotting at the bottom of the Atlantic — I’m talking dirty stoop steps that have been grazed by random asses and dirty hallway stairs you may get murdered on. These are currently the preferred backdrop for plandids, outfit squats, and thirst traps alike. The Renaissance had fat, naked babies with wings; we have motherfucking STEPS.

So, instead of hauling ass to Starbucks while you wait for your GBF to let you in with your spare keys, I suggest using your newly-found free time in front of your apartment to capture the perfect stair stance for The Gram. Here, a beginners’ guide to poses for the uninitiated:

1. When you’re locked out and really have to pee

Squeeze!

2. When you’re locked out and really have to poop

3. When you’re locked out but still want to patrol for some D

Boost that booty with a step!

4. When you’re locked out but secretly ok with it because you need more people to see your outfit today, tbh

5. When you’re locked out and need to air out your vagina (I mean, it's summer)

6. When you’re locked out and realize you never gave a spare to anyone because you hate everyone and you’re also almost certainly dead inside

Do my eyes look vacant in a fashion way or in a I've-never-truly-made-a-meaningful-connection-with-another-human way?

7. When you’re locked out, make it into the building by following someone inside, but realize you still can’t get into your actual unit because your roommate decided to have a social life this one time

That fucker.

8. When you’re in the same exact scenario as above but also wearing a dress with a dramatic slit

¯_(ツ)_/¯

9. When you’re locked out of the pool house you happen to live in

Ryan Atwood is shaking!

10. When you forget your fucking sunglasses inside said pool house like a newb

Godspeed.