This girl asked cops to not arrest her because she’s a pretty, ‘very clean white girl’ cheerleader
Bitch blew through a stop sign at 60 mph!
by Amanda Ross
A soon-to-be 33-year-old woman from South Carolina is not helping the reputation of white girls everywhere when she was stopped by police for a litany of traffic-related offenses including plowing through a stop sign at 60 miles per hour, high and drunk as fuck. It was what she said when she got pulled over, though, that's really criminal.
"I'm a very clean, thoroughbred, white girl,” Lauren Elizabeth Cutshaw told cops, slurring her words. No shade, but her mugshot doesn't look…that…clean and she edited her Instagram profile pic to FaceTune Hell. Our gal Lauren didn't stop there, though. When cops asked her if she'd been drinking that night, she said, “I mean I was celebrating my birthday." I hate that I can perfectly imagine the exact intonation of her voice when she said that — very Stassi Schroeder, you know?
She kept listing reasons she shouldn't be arrested which include:
1. Being white
3. Her "thoroughbred" pedigree
4. Getting good grades in school 10 years ago
5. Being a cheerleader almost 20 years ago
6. Dating a cop once
7. Paid dues to a sorority in college
Not that I've ever been that reckless behind the wheel but when I get pulled over, I usually just cry — works every time!
Um, why are people so excited to beat up their future kids?
They don’t even have children and they can’t wait to spank them senseless
by Harry Shukman
Locals, as I regret to inform you, have gone too far this time. They've had horse girl energy and late-night "adventures" to Sonic, and everyone thought that was cute, but it ends now because they really want to hit their children. They don't even have kids yet, but that hasn't stopped them from fantasizing about…
My new role model is this girl who sends ‘blowjob stats’ to guys and deep-throats in the 97th percentile
Sadly, she only swallows 91 percent of the time
by Nian Hu
You might think of yourself as an empowered dick-sucking hoe — but unless you've carefully timed each blowjob, calculated the exact percentage of times that you swallowed, and shared these statistics with strange guys on Tinder, then you ain't shit.All hoes bow down before our new queen. Brought to us by Reddit user SmItHeAD11 who…
Beyoncé’s Vogue cover is just as ethereally gorgeous as we expected
This is the only thing on my vision board
by Amanda Ross
The only thing worse than a Monday is a muggy August Monday, but Beyoncé just made it bearable in a way that only she — and her perfectly dewy skin and pearls of wisdom can. Bey covers the almighty September issue featuring a beautifully maternal (that's the vibe I get! Like Mother Earth?) photoshoot conceived…